May 3, 2013 | By Tim Stoddart

The Man in the Mirror

Recovery

Life struggles can define who a person will become later in life…

and for me, one night would save my future and save my life. People have asked me why I believe that I am an alcoholic. I respond with a simple answer: Because I struggle to control how much I drink. I never would have considered myself an alcoholic. Like other alcoholics, I never thought I had a problem, and therefore I had nothing to worry about. I could keep doing what I wanted; however, the end of my destructive road came in full force, and I would learn that in order for me to live with a free body, mind, and spirit I needed sobriety.

The night of my last drunk came on November 16^th, 2012. While in sobriety, I have heard many speak about a spiritual awakening. Everyone has a different experience, and it leads most to turn from the road of self-destruction. A couple weeks before my

22^nd birthday,  I began putting plans together for a crazy celebration.  I wanted to do something jaw dropping to celebrate the passing of another year. Eventually, I settled on going to Spokane to visit my friend Cris. She wanted to throw me a party and just have a laid back get together with a few people. After riding the bus for 3 hours, I arrived in Spokane at 5 o’clock, where Cris and a friend of hers met me out front of the bus station. I jumped in the car, and we made our way to her apartment. During the drive, I suggested that we stop by the store, so I could pick up a friend I called “this friend Alcohol”.

We came to a stop at Walgreens, and I made a beeline for the beer and then over to the hard alcohol section.  I had ninety dollars on me when I walked in the store, and after buying an eighteen pack of beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels,  I walked out with a little over ten dollars left. But of course I did not care one bit.

We arrived at Cris’s apartment around 6 P.M. I headed straight for the shower to clean up,  not before cracking open my first beer. I had one mission for that night; to get as drunk as possible. I slammed down one beer after another, not slowing down as the night carried on. More people would show up, total strangers, but I liked some more than most.

Later during the night, me and some other guys made a beer run to Safeway. We acquired at least three more six packs and a bottle of honey flavored Jack Daniels. I continued to drink the night away with no care in the world, and I paid no heed as people started to leave for the night. Then only Cris, her friend Terri, and I remained. We decided that maybe we should call it a night. Cris and Terri went into her room, and I tried to crash on the floor. I lay there, staring at the ceiling for the first few minutes, unable to fall asleep.  Suddenly I, felt my brain start to race, and out of nowhere a wave of emotion started to build, climbing, trying to escape from the barrier that I had built up over it.

I tried to push it down into the deepest and most foreboding part of my soul; however, I had no luck  and the feelings came bursting forth like an uncontrollable storm. I began to shake uncontrollably, and I felt every hellish, infernal, and damned emotion that I had tried to keep locked up come out. I sobbed as I crawled on all fours around the living room, and eventually I ended up in the bathroom, where I lay uttering words of apology to the empty space around me. The hours ticked away, but still I found myself trapped in the cold embrace of this mental break down. I lost all will power and any ability to control myself, both mentally and physically. My eyes clasped shut, and I fell into a much needed slumber.

I woke up a couple hours later feeling completely shell shocked and at rock bottom. At an early age, alcohol went from a friend and trusted companion to an enemy. I pulled myself off the ground and stumbled into the bathroom, finally looking into the mirror. I saw me, or should I say I saw the true me that I had hidden from myself so long ago. I felt disgust, pity, and shame come over me all at the same time. I knew I couldn’t go on like this. I needed to make some serious changes or else I would endure endless suffering until I finally died alone.

Thus, on the 17^th of November, I made the decision to never drink again. Of course I knew that without support such a claim would prove fruitless. I decided that I would try Alcoholics Anonymous once I returned home. I told Cris about my plan, and she reminded me how six months ago she had expressed worry about my drinking. I left Spokane on Sunday, my second day of not drinking. I attended my first meeting on Monday. I found myself amazed at the level of support I received, and it kept me coming back.

Still sober five months later, I’ve begun walking an entirely different path in life. I’ve learned to take things simple. Taking each day one day at time, and each day I gain a new lesson and experience. I keep learning how to live life as steady as a rock, and I have faith with the help of my higher power, my friends, and my family that alcohol shall never pass my lips again.