May 21, 2015 | By Tim Powers

What Do You Do When You Screwed Up and Relapsed?

Relapse Prevention

Inner-Dialogue

You don’t want to think about it, but the reality is that is happens; and it happens to a lot of people in recovery.

You are working your program of recovery to the T and are regularly attending 12-Step meetings, and you have replaced the people, places and things that had kept you stuck and sick in addiction. You are doing all the right things and are genuine in your journey to stay clean, but in one moment of weakness you tumbled down the slippery slope and back into substance use.

It can feel like the world has ended and the shock of having to pick up the pieces can leave you feeling overwhelmed. Where do you begin? What in the hell are you going to do know that you have relapsed?

Shame and Relapse: A Dangerous Combination

If you have been in the unfortunate situation where you have relapsed, your brain and conscience are both in overdrive. You mind is replaying the events leading up to the relapse on infinite repeat and at the same time your inner dialogue is engaged in full shame mode. You may say things like

I am so stupid

I am such a loser 

God, I am such a f@#king idiot

Feeling shame in this manner is normal. You have worked hard to maintain recovery and you did the unthinkable and relapsed, and now you have to start from square one. While feeling shame is normal, it is important to know that shame can also keep you stuck and getting back on the proverbial recovery horse becomes more difficult.

Why is that? At its core, shame is the underlying belief that you are unloved and unworthy of love. When you say things like you are a failure, a fraud or aren’t good enough in the context of addiction, you are painting yourself in a corner or putting yourself in a box with little or no way to get out.

The simple fact is this: relapse is a regular part of the recovery process. Studies suggest that approximately half of all individuals who try to get sober return to heavy use, with 70 to 90 percent experiencing at least one mild to moderate slip.

Knowing this you should be able to put things into perspective, but you still may beat yourself up. In order to move past those feelings and get back into recovery mode, you need to change your inner dialogue.

Changing Your Inner Dialogue

So, how do you move from an inner dialogue that is rooted in shame to something that is more constructive in the context of your recovery? It is important to shift how you speak to yourself and use a voice rooted in accountability. In other words, you need to move from shame towards its counterpoint emotion–which is guilt.

Oftentimes shame and guilt are used interchangeably, but in reality there are noticeable differences. As stated earlier, shame is the painful feeling that comes from our consciousness of something that is dishonorable or improper in which we feel unloved or unworthy of love.

Guilt can be a motivating emotion and springs from a feeling of responsibility for a dishonorable or improper emotion. Guilt is useful in the fact that it pushes you to repair the damage you have inflicted on yourself and others in your relapse.

Instead of saying “I am stupid”, you can change your inner dialogue to “I did a stupid thing and I wasn’t thinking”. Guilt addresses the behavior, makes you hold your self accountable and opens up avenues for change. While it may be difficult to do, changing your self-talk in this manner can help change the course of how you deal with yourself after relapse.

Relapse is something we desperately want to avoid, yet we know that it can be a real possibly in our journey of recovery. In our individual plans of recovery, it is important that we have ways to cope with relapse so that we can right the ship and get back on the path if we stray.

9 responses to “What Do You Do When You Screwed Up and Relapsed?”

  • Shane McGoogan

    9 years ago

    Reply

    I relapsed last week after 8 months clean. It is difficult because not only am I back to square one with my recovery but I am battling unsuccessfully the obsession and compulsion to use. I need to get back on track.

    • Karen

      9 years ago

      Reply

      Shane
      .. you can do anything you set your mind to… Make a serious healthy goal for yourself and keep reaching for it! Mentally focus on staying sober. Don’t focus on using or getting high…. Remove the negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. Remember, you are stonger than this you can get and remain sober… its worth the fight!!!

    • Kayla

      9 years ago

      Reply

      I know that sometimes it seems that all is lost when that happens, but it’s not. It just makes you stronger to know that you recognize that there was and is still an issue. In less than a month, I will have 6 years clean. 6 years! But the reality is that I still struggle daily to keep my mind on the right things, like My 5 year old daughter and my soon to be son (I’m almost 9 months pregnant). I realize that without my sobriety, I wouldn’t have either of them, and I can’t even imagine that. Just keep your head up. You’re strong and you CAN and WILL do this!

    • Kelley

      8 years ago

      Reply

      You are not at square one if you had eight months of sobriety you probably didn’t have before you cut yourself some slack and get focused
      You did it before you can do it again

    • Deb

      8 years ago

      Reply

      You are not back to square one. You had 8 months clean. Remember that!

  • Mike

    9 years ago

    Reply

    Although I like the parts of this article that encourages the inner dialogue to change, I don’t like the title of the article. Relapse is not a screw up. Relapse is a symptom of the illness of addiction. The longstanding idea of relapse=failure has to be changed. We don’t call a return of the symptoms of cancer a screw up, or high blood sugar with diabetes a screw up. We need to stop using this type of language in recovery. It keeps people from returning for help. We need to view it as part of the illness and what steps we can take to eliminate the symptom. I have been in far to many meetings when I have heard recovery people question others commitments to sobriety, or tell them they aren’t serious. In my 26 years of sobriety I have never understood this attitude. That type of arrogance can be deadly. We need to approach relapse for what it is; a symptom of a serious illness that if not eliminated can lead to dire consequences.

  • nikole

    8 years ago

    Reply

    I just relapsed last week after being clean for 2 and a half years clean off Meth. I had my children removed by the state at the time of getting clean. I went through getting clean and got them back. Some things have been going wrong here latley and we had to move back to our home town. We ran into one of our old friends and it was on. I’m talking about myself and my husband. We used together and got clean together. Well, i feel so disappointed in myself and my emotions have been off the chain. Angry every day, crying all day. I haven’t told anyone in our families or the social worker. I’m too afraid to. I almost feel like I need to do i can be held accountable so that there is less likely of a chance that i will continue to do it. Also, how do i keep away from it if i have no choice but to be in this town right now?

    • JB

      8 years ago

      Reply

      Nikole
      Find work, volunteer, and keep yourself busy. Do not listen to what is calling you back, look for what is moving you forward. Go back to school, continue your education.
      I use to party really hard, but as I moved on and grew older with my 2 children, I had to make decisions and move forward. Really, what do you want for your children? The world and more, well they learn from example. Now I can say that my son, who I had when I was 19, and he is 29 now, has over a year clean from a heroine addiction. He saw a lot in his youth. My daughter, whom I had when I was 28, is a junior at a well known university for environmental science, works, is completely clean and really enjoys the fun in life. Things were different when she was growing up. I stopped smoking crack when she was 2. Also, I am a convicted felon. I was arrested for delivery of a controlled substance, cocaine. That was while I was pregnant with my son. Ironically, I did not do any drugs while pregnant with him, yet I smoked marijuana each day, just a few hits, while I was pregnant with my daughter. So, I feel as though some how this is a nature vs nurture experience.
      Now, I work full time, I go to school full time for my bachelors, I am a junior in standing as well. I volunteer when I can and I am also a foster parent. I did wait to do all this until my daughter was in high school to go back to school, but I would say do not wait. Go for it all.
      Nikole, you can be anything that you want. I know that it can be done, you have done it, I have done it, my son is doing it. Just know that you are more than this addiction. You are better than this addiction. And when you go to bed, get rid of anything that you have, all the crap and let your last words say I am no longer a drug user. When you wake up in the morning, think about what you are going to do for the day. Go to a meeting, take a walk, breath deep, call about volunteering, look into schooling options. Start to re-live your life with your children. You can do this, both of you can. Now go and kick some world ass.

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