Feb 8, 2014 | By Tim Stoddart

These People Don’t Respect my Sobriety

Personal Addiction Recovery Stories

I came across the story on the STOP DRINKING section in Reddit. I really this we could share our advice on this matter.

…to other people.

I have previously posted here about having a difficult time with my professional circle after I quit drinking (e.g., at a work event that involved drinking, my boss made a huge and inappropriate deal about my not drinking that was drew a lot of attention). You all gave fantastic advice and shared stories. I have taken the advice to heart, though continue to struggle. The purpose of tonight’s post is more to vent, and maybe hear some similar stories, though please feel free to give me some advice if you have it.

Basically…this weekend has been a fucking nightmare. I’m at a professional conference 3000 miles from home with several co-workers, including my boss, his colleague, and two fellow grad students (both of whom with which I’m sharing a hotel room). Travel plans went askew due to the weather, and we wound up having to spend a whole day in the airport and still wound up at the conference 38 hours late. That alone is a HUGE drinking trigger for me – I always used to get wasted before flying, and we were delayed and stuck all day. But I stuck through it sober, though the student I was traveling with kept harassing me to drink (“LadyJ, if ever there was a day to fall off the wagon, this is it.”). I feel incredibly proud of myself for not drinking.

As a side note, I am very sleep deprived. I apologize if this post is hard to follow.

Last night, myself, the two graduate students (let’s say Lisa and Brittney), and my boss’s colleague (let’s say Harry) went out for a late dinner. Of course, the only place open we could find was a bar/restaurant. I am not joking when I say that my not drinking was a topic of conversation for at least 45 minutes. Harry himself got drunk, and kept bugging me to tell him why I quit drinking. He asked me, repeatedly, if there had been some catalyst, if there was a reason, etc. Brittney, also drunk, piped in that I am sober because I’m “just doing it to do it, there is no reason.” I tried to assertively tell them “I made the choice not to drink anymore, and I don’t want to get into this. Can we talk about something else?” several times. They would stop for a few minutes, then start up again whenever the topic of alcohol came up (such as when the waitress came around for refills).

At this point, I was seriously angry and want to leave, but it was 2am in an unfamiliar city. So I just kind of shut down and stopped talking, which then prompted Brittney to let me know how much more fun I was when I drank and that she “couldn’t wait until I fell of the wagon.” We eventually walked back to the hotel at around 2:30 am, where I got the pleasure of sharing a room with drunk Lisa and drunk Brittney and we had to wake up at 6am. They were drunk and carrying on, like drunk people do, for about an hour and then went to sleep. I figured that would be it this weekend in terms of dealing with stuff like that.

Today, at the conference, I was presenting an evening poster and my boss came up to me with a glass of wine from the cash bar and asked me “Did you relapse yet?” I said no, and he said “OK, I just wanted to make sure.” In a way, he was being nice because he was trying to not leave me out (he had also bought a glass of wine for another grad student). And, he was trying to keep it light I suppose, but seriously? “Did you relapse yet?” It was stunningly invalidating, and made me realize that no one is taking me seriously.

Another dinner tonight, this time with all of the aforementioned people and two others (both of whom were quite fine with my not drinking). At this dinner, I overheard Harry whispering my name to Lisa after I ordered a pot of hot tea while everyone else ordered cocktails. OK, fine, I thought – they can be immature, that’s fine. Brittney put her martini under my nose and said “smells so goooood, right?” Those were the only events at dinner. After dinner, my boss, Brittney, Lisa, and Harry decided to finish two bottles of wine in the hotel. They invited me and I politely declined, then someone said “Please!” and I got irritated and said “No!” in what was probably a pretty rude voice, so I tried to finish up with “I’m too tired, everyone have a great night!” Blah blah.

So now I’m here in my room, alone for the first time in days and writing this post waiting for my two drunk hotel roommates to get back.

got-respect

Here’s the thing. These people aren’t malicious, but they just straight up do not take me seriously or respect my sobriety. It’s weird, because I truly believe that they professionally respect me, but refuse to respect my not drinking. Maybe it’s my own fault – I’m usually a very funny/fun person who is sarcastic, and I don’t really “get serious” with these people too much. I’ve avoided getting visibly upset during these conversations because I don’t want them to view me as some angry bitter person. It’s sad honestly. More than sad though, it’s fucking wearing me down. I somehow constantly feel guilty and like I’m sucking the fun away by not drinking with them. I feel guilty that I can’t give Harry a good enough answer as to why I’ve quit drinking to appease him. I almost wish that there had been a catalyst, like getting a DUI, so everyone would get off my back about it. I don’t understand why they are spending so much mental energy thinking about/talking about my not drinking. Part of what upsets me is I know that they’re all talking to each other about me.

I want to somehow convey to these people 1) that I’m serious; 2) that they need to stop talking about it, and 3) if they have a problem with me not drinking, then I don’t want them in my life. BUT, I can’t, because they’re my co-workers as well as friends, and I can’t just not have them in my life. Especially my boss. I can’t just sit him down and scold him. I don’t want these people to feel bad or like they’re victimizing me.

Well I guess that’s all. Fingers crossed that my flights back tomorrow go fine and I don’t have to spend any extra time delayed with these people. Thanks for reading, and know that I greatly appreciate having this community to vent to 🙂

33 responses to “These People Don’t Respect my Sobriety

  • barrykwrites

    10 years ago

    Great piece! Never be ashamed for working your program – without it, you will die. You have my email. Drop a line to say hello, or use it if you need to bend someone’s ear. Feel free to check out my recovery blog if you like: http://rockn.ro/6wq “One day at a time!”

  • First and foremost , I HAVE TO CONGRADULATE YOU FOR STAYING SOBER THROUGH ALL THAT. Here’s my view: AA says people , places and things – I hate to be there bearer of bad news, but I honestly think you need to start looking for a new job, like yesterday. You said u don’t think they are being malicious , but I rest disagree. I know that people who aren’t alcoholics or addicts, or people who don’t have one in their life, don’t hardly understand this disease, if at all. But even if someone , whoever it may be, doesn’t understand your disease, why u stopped drinking ect doesn’t mean they can’t respect a choice you made, think about it like this – if you were aVegetarian do you think they would Harress you at dinner for order rice pilaf and veggies instead of the prime rib that they order? I high doubt it- why? Because they respect the choice you made- in that sence there’s no difference in the matter of respect whether it be not drinking or respecting what you eat at dinner. What I’m saying is people may not understand this disease but when a person makes a choice to do or not to do something . Anything – doesn’t matter what it is, other people should respect the choices others make refused less if they agree or disagree so with that , a person who badgers another person for things they choose not to do is simply just that – being malicious and disrespectful. I would definetly get all of those people together Nd tell them that you sincerely” never felt so hurt, disrespected , teased , made fun of ect than you ever had before this weekend. I am an alcoholic, you may not understand the disease of addiction and I don’t expect you to, but the choices I made and make are to better myself and I want u to respect that. I am not like other propel who can socially drink , when I drink I can’t stop, I get out of hAnd . It controls my life and I can’t let that happen again, I chose to quit drinking so I can have complete control over my life and live a normal
    Life with being sober . Please don’t ask if I relApsed yet, if I wanna drink, don’t tease to by putting A drink under my nose- those are all triggers for me. Give them an example and say if you made a choice to be gay or lesbian , I wouldn’t ask any questions about why you don’t like the other se , or why u chose that – tell u ur a homo or disgusting ect. I am simply asking you all to respect All choices I make whether I agree or disagree or don’t understand.its rude and hurt ful – and don’t forget – tell your boss if it doesn’t drop, I have to look for another job because let’s face it , people are at work half of their lives- I feel if they continue and you stay there, it’s only
    Matter of time til u relapse or you flip the fuck out ad quit and then don’t have a job – Better to find one before stay strong and make the change him good luck

  • First and foremost , I HAVE TO CONGRADULATE YOU FOR STAYING SOBER THROUGH ALL THAT. Here’s my view: AA says people , places and things – I hate to be there bearer of bad news, but I honestly think you need to start looking for a new job, like yesterday. You said u don’t think they are being malicious , but I rest disagree. I know that people who aren’t alcoholics or addicts, or people who don’t have one in their life, don’t hardly understand this disease, if at all. But even if someone , whoever it may be, doesn’t understand your disease, why u stopped drinking ect doesn’t mean they can’t respect a choice you made, think about it like this – if you were aVegetarian do you think they would Harress you at dinner for order rice pilaf and veggies instead of the prime rib that they order? I high doubt it- why? Because they respect the choice you made- in that sence there’s no difference in the matter of respect whether it be not drinking or respecting what you eat at dinner. What I’m saying is people may not understand this disease but when a person makes a choice to do or not to do something . Anything – doesn’t matter what it is, other people should respect the choices others make refused less if they agree or disagree so with that , a person who badgers another person for things they choose not to do is simply just that – being malicious and disrespectful. I would definetly get all of those people together Nd tell them that you sincerely” never felt so hurt, disrespected , teased , made fun of ect than you ever had before this weekend. I am an alcoholic, you may not understand the disease of addiction and I don’t expect you to, but the choices I made and make are to better myself and I want u to respect that. I am not like other propel who can socially drink , when I drink I can’t stop, I get out of hAnd . It controls my life and I can’t let that happen again, I chose to quit drinking so I can have complete control over my life and live a normal
    Life with being sober . Please don’t ask if I relApsed yet, if I wanna drink, don’t tease to by putting A drink under my nose- those are all triggers for me. Give them an example and say if you made a choice to be gay or lesbian , I wouldn’t ask any questions about why you don’t like the other se , or why u chose that – tell u ur a homo or disgusting ect. I am simply asking you all to respect All choices I make whether I agree or disagree or don’t understand.its rude and hurt ful – and don’t forget – tell your boss if it doesn’t drop, I have to look for another job because let’s face it , people are at work half of their lives- I feel if they continue and you stay there, it’s only
    Matter of time til u relapse or you flip the fuck out ad quit and then don’t have a job – Better to find one before stay strong and make the change him good luck

  • At any point during this trip did it cross your mind to call another sober alcoholic when you were struggling with this? If you continue to “shut down”, the outcome is bleak for your sobriety. You don’t have to be miserable in sobriety dude. Use the fellowship.

  • Im in construction , so you can imagine the drinking goes hand in hand probably as much as your business conferences , when I quit , I worked less (I think due to the fact that I wasn’t drinking anymore cause when I was drinking it was the funny thing to talk about at work , as soon as I got serious i was treated like a leper , eventually switched companies and got the respect that I felt I needed , went back to old company due to economic collapse and they are still the same eventually had to walk away because some people never change or grow or respect that you have. Keep doing you

  • Sounds to me like these people are addicts, and they’re trying to get you to drink so your sobriety stops making them feel like shit about their own addictions. That’s their issue, not yours. Just focus on your recovery–don’t let them make you feel like you’re doing something wrong, ’cause you’re not. They’re trying to manipulate you; that’s what addicts do. In recovery you can either draw a boundary with people, or leave them behind. If you want these people in your life, you need to tell them how you feel, and you can do it nicely with no ill-will. Just hold your ground, and stay sober. Are these people’s opinions with your sobriety? I’m guessing not…

  • I would rather feel uncomfortable with someone talking about me not drinking than to go back to the hell I was living in when I was. Acceptance is the key

  • #1. They sound very immature. Most people know enough about the effect of alcohol on the alcoholics life, now some of those cliches we hear come in handy for inconsiderate people around at those times. I’m allergic to alc. every time I drink I break-out in handcuffs gets a laugh and I find most people upon hearing that nod their head as most everyone who has drank too much has experienced some consequence from a night of hard drinking. If you find it necessary tell the person in your group that can’t keep a secret a slightly embellished story and ask for their compassion and secrecy. I have battled hard to stay out of trouble with alc. so i know its not a laughing matter for us. When I realized the things I was capable of in a blackout it scared some friends, myself and more than a few officers. Best of luck to you. P.s. I enjoy a nice meal out alone on occasion that would help you if you tried it and maybe take-in some sights, the walking will cut down on the anxiety before your in the group and you may be able to overlook their lack of knowledge / compassion.

  • BTW my career in alc 101 started in my teens and didn’t reign in the beast until I was in my 50’s
    You keep up the good work. Bless you for the innocent people you are protecting, saving lots of lives on roads many nights I’m sure.

  • BTW my career in alc 101 started in my teens and didn’t reign in the beast until I was in my 50’s
    You keep up the good work. Bless you for the innocent people you are protecting, saving lots of lives on roads many nights I’m sure.

  • I am at the beginning of my journey I have used alcohol for the most part of my life. I find myself having one shot or a glass of wine so my social circle dont make a spectical of me
    This story has just stirred up small comments I’ve been dealing with. I have basically been isolating myself. I haven’t sought outside help like counseling or aa but I need too. Txs for sharing…

  • I am at the beginning of my journey I have used alcohol for the most part of my life. I find myself having one shot or a glass of wine so my social circle dont make a spectical of me
    This story has just stirred up small comments I’ve been dealing with. I have basically been isolating myself. I haven’t sought outside help like counseling or aa but I need too. Txs for sharing…

  • hi a big well done to you i dont know if your on a 12 step programme but i am and i can see those people are jealous of yor soberity your soberity is your treasure dont let any one take it from you it was to hard got your been the bigger person here, plus your an assset to your company those people will bring it down,i remember people trying to get me to drink to make them feel better.but i didnt my friends all changed for the better iiv a lovely life today and i dont people please best of luck to you ….mary

  • Tell them you think you may be sick, you may be alcoholic.that will shut then up fast.

  • I read the above story.i relate on how aggravating it can be to be around drunk peaple.im a roofer so I deal with it a lot.in my field it is a part of the job sorry to say.anyhow some of my coworkers know me from my drinking and drugging days and don’t ask me to drink but I still more often than not have to deal with the addict behavior.i look at them and see myself which makes me more angry and asking myself is that jow I used to act.i was worse lol that’s why I just ignore it and just joke with them.when things get out of control I let my boss Handel it,bitten line if you can live and let live it won’t bother you as much.thsts something I think every sober person goes through.hang in there

  • Find another job, then give respectful notice with no reason. It sounds like they will do anything to undermine your sobriety, and probably because you’re self-improvement will overshadow their lack thereof. Sobriety is a different life, and while many say not to make any drastic changes, a job change (once you have a new one), might be what you need. Eventually, your sobriety will be the most valuable thing you possess. Until then, it’s best to have an environment of support, not temptation. I am in sales, a job that many feel they need to drink with clients. I’m doing just as well, and often better than my drinking colleagues.

  • I only made it half way through and decided to tell you to get another job ….
    My sponsor made me write in the front cover of my BB… “I will go to any lengths to protect my sobriety”…. I would do the same if I were your sponsor and I would encourage to distance yourself from those people as fast as possible.Your coworkers have no respect for you.
    In the meantime, when you go out of town don’t hang with them… get your own room even if you have to pay for it.

  • I only made it half way through and decided to tell you to get another job ….
    My sponsor made me write in the front cover of my BB… “I will go to any lengths to protect my sobriety”…. I would do the same if I were your sponsor and I would encourage to distance yourself from those people as fast as possible.Your coworkers have no respect for you.
    In the meantime, when you go out of town don’t hang with them… get your own room even if you have to pay for it.

  • I truly think ur boss and co workers are like so many people. They don’t understand addictions! They still believe the old myth like so many that’s is just about will power and u could quit again like it was nothing if u just had a couple drinks with them! That is such bull and if u could do that most drinkers/druggers would have done it long before they actually get sober! A very heartfelt CONGRATS that u have stuck it out and didn’t give into the pressure! My best and not so orinigal advice is….apply the serenity prayer! Some things u can’t change! This may very well be one of them!!

  • So, I completely know how you feel! I actually work in the travel industry and the amount of alcoholics in my line of work is unreal. I have been sober for a little over a year now. I went through treatment December 2012. Every other overnight I am harassed about my not drinking. Sometimes it’s really hard not to just give in, but I know what that looks like. There has been a couple occasions where I’ve left because I wasn’t comfortable and felt I might punch someone if they made one more snide comment. 🙂 The beauty of it all though is that I did it! I made it through another day without drinking!! Everyday that happens my self confidence increases a bit more. I have something to be proud of now. The fact that I won’t be showing up to work hungover is a blessing too. (Or even the fact that I’ll be showing up to work at all!) One time a captain I was flying with asked, “So you fell off the bandwagon huh?” My response was, “No, I just jumped on a new one.” And honestly that’s how I look at it. It’s my life and I want the best for myself. If you’re offended that I won’t drink with you I feel sorry for your closed mindedness. I have so many people in my life that enjoy sober Nikki. I enjoy sober Nikki! (Finally) Just know that you are not alone and staying strong is worth it every time. You are awesome!

  • I can identify one helluva lot all of what you’ve shared here. I found that when I first got sober, a lot of colleagues were ‘suspicious’ of me and I sensed they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll go as far to say that I sensed they even wanted me to fail.

    With respect to them taking my sobriety seriously, I took the decision to tell them where my drinking had taken me in the end. Without lecturing, I made it clear that it was a matter of life and death for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I had not lost (outwardly) those things that (tightly or wrongly) define high/low rock-bottoms; but I know they were ‘yets’ – not ifs or maybes. However, I was in a position to talk to them this way, and I have always been open about my alcoholism. I appreciate that not everyone can do that (I know that there can be original hindrances as a result of that level of honesty).

    With respect to me feeling that they were judging me, wanting me to fail etc. I had to accept that I cannot control the way those people were thinking. I reconciled their seeming lack of respect for me, with them perhaps feeling threatened by the fact I’d recognised I had a problem and had done something about it. Sometimes this holds a mirror up to some people. They perhaps recognise that they might have issues, and they should doo something about it. They thus get resentful. And, as they say, misery likes company. But, anyway, that indicates I’m making it all about me again – and that’s something I have to learn to change myself.

    Apologies for any dodgy spelling/grammer and general disjointedness – I’m typing this on my phone! I hope you can reach a place where you are no longer feeling as uncomfortable as you are; and that your friends and colleagues can begin to accept your sobriety, and give you the credit you deserve for your bravery and strength. I wish you well and hope you stay safe.

  • I can identify one helluva lot all of what you’ve shared here. I found that when I first got sober, a lot of colleagues were ‘suspicious’ of me and I sensed they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll go as far to say that I sensed they even wanted me to fail.

    With respect to them taking my sobriety seriously, I took the decision to tell them where my drinking had taken me in the end. Without lecturing, I made it clear that it was a matter of life and death for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I had not lost (outwardly) those things that (tightly or wrongly) define high/low rock-bottoms; but I know they were ‘yets’ – not ifs or maybes. However, I was in a position to talk to them this way, and I have always been open about my alcoholism. I appreciate that not everyone can do that (I know that there can be original hindrances as a result of that level of honesty).

    With respect to me feeling that they were judging me, wanting me to fail etc. I had to accept that I cannot control the way those people were thinking. I reconciled their seeming lack of respect for me, with them perhaps feeling threatened by the fact I’d recognised I had a problem and had done something about it. Sometimes this holds a mirror up to some people. They perhaps recognise that they might have issues, and they should doo something about it. They thus get resentful. And, as they say, misery likes company. But, anyway, that indicates I’m making it all about me again – and that’s something I have to learn to change myself.

    Apologies for any dodgy spelling/grammer and general disjointedness – I’m typing this on my phone! I hope you can reach a place where you are no longer feeling as uncomfortable as you are; and that your friends and colleagues can begin to accept your sobriety, and give you the credit you deserve for your bravery and strength. I wish you well and hope you stay safe.

  • On behalf of the universe, I am so sorry that you had to go through this incredibly disrespectful and unprofessional experience. I get that you want to play this one carefully but I also am concerned about your rights as a person in recovery from a disease being upheld. I can’t help but wonder if this is a human resources issue. If your boss has not been receptive to your repeated attempts to stand up for yourself, is there a next level you can take this to?

  • Maybe they really want to talk about their own alcohol issues. I mean, they seem persistent, and you seem to be devoted. Nothing is more magnetic than a person who is truly devoted. I no longer drink and when people ask me about my not drinking I give it back to them. Tell them I was missing so much of myself when I drank and I wonder if they are misding parts of themselves and their lives too. Usually the onversation goes two ways… Either we get into a meaningful discussion about sobriety or they leave me alone. Both good directions for me,

  • thanks for this post. I can definitely relate. My best friend of 30 years cannot bear me being sober and makes comments like “if you don’t drink, I’ll have to get a new best friend” which hurts quite abit. I get that she misses the crazy ass me (hell I do too sometimes), but it wasn’t fun for my child to have a crazy ass mother dragging her though my chaos.
    D

  • thanks for this post. I can definitely relate. My best friend of 30 years cannot bear me being sober and makes comments like “if you don’t drink, I’ll have to get a new best friend” which hurts quite abit. I get that she misses the crazy ass me (hell I do too sometimes), but it wasn’t fun for my child to have a crazy ass mother dragging her though my chaos.
    D

  • I think some people are jumping to conclusions here, assuming that the poster is an alcoholic. Just because somebody gives up drinking it doesnt mean they did so because they had a drinking problem. So not all of us are on a program or have a sponsor or somebody like that to call. I think telling the poster to quit her job is way too dramatic and to be honest is just running away from the issue as opposed to dealing with it head on. I think the OP needs to be a little bit more assertive thats all. You tell people you’re not drinking and its not up for discussion. You need to let people know where your boundaries are and be pretty forceful in doing so. You may upset some people but if they continue to not accept your sobriety then they have it coming.

  • Dianne O'Leary

    10 years ago

    Brilliant piece! I’m 17+ yrs sober but have had a difficult 5+ days following my biological father’s death on Thursday, and your article affected me deeply! Thank you!

  • When a waiter, or friend asks “what am I drinking” I respond by saying I’ll have a soda, I’m allergic to alcohol”.
    In truth, I am allergic. This statement usually quashes any comments.

  • When a waiter, or friend asks “what am I drinking” I respond by saying I’ll have a soda, I’m allergic to alcohol”.
    In truth, I am allergic. This statement usually quashes any comments.

  • First of all, congratulations on making good decisions. As so many others have said, staying sober is the most important thing. But I disagree with those who say “find a different job”. You could end up in the same situation; people like this are everywhere. If you like your job, and you’re good at it, you’ll outlast most of them. Eventually they’ll probably give up trying if they can’t “make” you take that drink.

  • I think education is the key here, by that I mean you must help them understand that alcoholism is a disease and just like other diseases there is a treatment for it and your treatment is abstinence from alcohol, plain and simple.

  • Nancy Ripley-Hood

    6 years ago

    I have had agoraphobia since a young age. Alcohol and drugs took away my agoraphobia…until they didn’t work anymore.I then started using at home, alone. I recovering nun said to me that some people would be upset about my no longer using. I told her how that scared me. She replied that it was none of my business what others said,..that they may have their own issues with booze and drugs. Chin up, sweetheart. You are doing a fine job. Remember,people will talk but it doesn’t have to affect you. Remember,you have been there and done that.Tell them you have the t-shirt.

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