Jun 26, 2015 | By Tim Stoddart
This Mom Is Losing Her Son To Heroin. The Letter She Writes Is Gut Wrenching
Personal Addiction Recovery Stories
Dear Heroin User,
I am the mother of a heroin user.
I’ve never had a broken heart like this.
I can barely believe I am typing those words. I could never have imagined life would be like this. I don’t understand why you feel you need to use drugs.
Your life isn’t that bad, your past wasn’t that bad…your life is everybody’s story and yours isn’t that bad. So why? I’m told you have a Disease. I try to understand your Disease…I study it on the internet, talk with other people about it including recovered addicts and counselors. I spend more time trying to understand your disease than you do. And I still don’t understand why you use drugs.
Your self-destructive mission isn’t limited to just heroin. You’ll use anything just to be high. Why do you need to be high? What’s wrong with all there is to enjoy in life that you feel you need to escape in an artificial world of euphoria. Look at all you’re missing out on. You have no home, no food except what you scrounge, no pets, no holidays, no girlfriend, no family… nothing. So what could be so great about this kind of escape?
You conveniently use the excuse that you have to use because you have a Disease. When people have a disease they get help for it… yet all you do is refuse help no matter how many times it has been offered to you. And when you have attended detox and rehab centers, you go right back out and use as soon as you are free.
I don’t care what they say about this Disease and how hard it is to stop. You are sane, intelligent, can comprehend knowledge, can hear, can feel, can see, and you know how much your disease is hurting me and your family…not to mention yourself…and yet you still continue to use. You live on the streets, sleep in the bushes, spend your days scrounging for money to support your habit and frequently end up in jail. You think your drug dealers are your friends and treat your family like the enemy. This is no way to live. You were not raised like that. Why would you want to live the way you are living? You know how much your life could change for the better if you stopped using drugs. So why do you live this way?
You see how much your disease has hurt me, how much my life has changed, how heartbroken I am, how empty my life has become. You tell me your dreams and the life you hope to live, but you know you will never see those dreams unless you stop using drugs. You know this and yet you still use.
I have never had such an empty ten years while watching someone I love so much destroy himself. I have never tried so hard and spent so much time trying to help you…in vain. And yet you still use. I can’t even count the times I’ve driven you to the emergency hospital, detox, rehab, doctor appointments…hours that have turned into months accumulatively, and all for nothing because you still use.
RELATED: Heart Broken Mom – A Poem Written By A Mother Who Loses Her Son To Addiction.
I live in fear and heartache as my constant partners. Crying and feeling emotionally fragile is something I have come to accept as normal life. I spend my days numb knowing that someone I love so much is destroying himself. I live on the edge knowing that at any moment someone who means the world to me could be taken from me forever because of a disease you choose when you don’t have to. I have watched your life, my life, and your family’s life devastatingly change so much for the worse because of your Disease.
The experts and counselors tell me I need to let go and create my own life. They make it all sound so easy …just let go…as though there is some consolation in that. But they don’t have a son who is a heroin addict who is destroying himself, so how can they relate? So for all the condescending advice they give me, I wonder how they would handle this if it were them with and addict child and not me.
As much as I know I should go on with my own life without you, I can’t really be happy knowing at any moment I could lose you forever to your Disease…a Disease that you choose to live with while your real life is passing you by. And believe me I have tried to put my life back together, but my broken heart is weak and the pain gets in the way. It’s hard to live a happy life knowing that someone I love is destroying himself and this is always on my mind.
I’m sure I now have my own disease as a spin-off of your Disease. It’s probably called something like Heroin Addicts’ Mom’s Disease, and it kills its victims just as much as it kills the user. Perhaps not physically, but emotionally and mentally just as deeply, which ultimately takes our life away.
In light of all this, No….I don’t understand your Disease! All the experts say heroin use is a Disease. But your reasons for using could not possibly be superior to the pain I suffer every day because of your disease. The high and the escape you get could not possibly be more than the pain and heartache I feel.
You tell me you love me and that I’m all you have. But this is not love! The experts tell me you are not my son any more because of the heroin, but actually you are still here and you can change. I’m not sure you know what love is because I would never do this to someone I love. At the very least I would get help.
After ten long years, I don’t know how to live like this anymore. There’s no happiness, no joy, no excitement and passion in my soul…just pain, and fear and heartache. Because if you died, you would take with you what is most meaningful to my life. For what is life without the people we love in it?
When I read what I have written, this story and this lifestyle all seems so insane, and yet so easy to change with just one solid decision. When I look at myself in this story, I see how pathetic a person I have become. I am someone who has died inside and can’t seem to find my way back to life. I am not proud of who I have become in these last ten years. I am ashamed. What happened to the dynamic, confident, no-nonsense, happy person I used to be? Where did she go? I don’t even know who I am anymore. And the longer this story plays out, the more hopeless I become. I am losing my belief in life, hope, and faith because after so many years of knowing it would all someday change, it doesn’t…it just gets worse. All the waiting and hope just blurs into fruitless nothingness.
No… I don’t understand your Disease! After I weigh all the info, all the expert’s advice, all the time trying to help you, all the opportunity you have had to change, all the help you have received, all the people who love you and try to encourage you to get sober, I’m not buying it that this Disease is that overwhelming. You have a choice and you refuse to take it. I have never known cruelty like this. It is just plain cruel to use heroin and destroy your life and the lives of the people who love you. Because you still can choose to get help and turn your life around… and yet you don’t.
No I’m not buying it…this BS excuse about Disease…not anymore! I know if you stopped you would have all the dreams you talk about come true and the life you want would be yours. Life would bloom again, there would be color and love and family…better than before. And I, and the ones who love you, would be released from this prison that has become our home for the last ten years.
I have waited for so long for this to change…the rollercoaster hope and then disappointment every time you toyed with another detox and then right back out to using again. The crash from hope to disappointment is harder on me than on you. And I know that after ten years, your fragile body couldn’t possibly tolerate much more.
I am writing this because I feel my life, as well as yours, slipping away. I’m beginning to not feel anymore and I don’t care anymore about recreating my life. My heartache is like a cancer that has metastasized into my whole body. I can’t wait in vain any longer. Life needs to change and it needs to change now.
So I’m asking you one more time to give change a chance and stop using. It’s a different wonderful world on the other side and it can be yours with one decision.
I love you,
Mom
Justin
9 years ago
Sorry mom .. while I do feel for you … you’re being very selfish with your feelings towards your son. As you say, he has a choice to destroy or redeem his life. Even if he is in bondage to his addiction, he knows he can get help at any time. Therefore, you have to try to accept his choice. It’s his life to live or destroy, not yours. You’re being selfish because he’s not doing what you want him to do. That is a form of selfishness and self-centeredness that our big book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about, and is the “root of our troubles.” I know it’s hard to understand the disease, but it truly is a disease because your son would rather choose a spiritual, miserable death then choose a healthy life. Therefore, there is clearly something wrong with his thinking/motivation. I know this because I was a heroin/marijuana addict for 12 years. And the only power, I believe, that has enabled me to recover and experience a good length of sobriety has been God. Read chapter four of the big book of AA. A good majority of AA members with long term sobriety firmly believe that God is the only power that has helped them stay sober. And I believe that God will also help you find inner peace if you earnestly pray to Him daily and also get a support group like Al-Anon around you. You clearly need Al-Anon as you have admitted that you are probably just as miserable as your son. I know it’s hard to take criticism when it’s so easy to put all the blame on your son, but you need to take a good look at yourself, and ask yourself if you can find it in you to feel peace/serenity despite your heartache/resentment/self-pity over your situation. Al-Anon plus God plus actively working on your inner turmoil may help you recover from your hopelessness. Deep down there is a glimmer of hope in all of us no matter how bad our situation is. And I believe that hope is God. Have a great day.
Just me
9 years ago
What an amazing letter from this mother. I feel her paid as I have several friends/coworkers who are dealing with this issue and hurst to see how their children use and abuse them all for a drug. That being said I would disagree with one of the responses. It is NOT a disease. It is a choice. It is pure selfishness. Tired of making excuses for those that do these drugs. They made a conscious decision to use the drug to begin with. They said yes to something that was and is illegal. No one made them do it, they choose it. They know right from wrong and made the wrong decision. If you smoke cigarettes you are not given a pass and told you have a disease. You made a bad choice and are endangering others and cigarettes are legal. You are attacked and ostrasized for dong something legal. If you are over weight you are lazy and make poor decisions. You don’t get a pass and can claim you have a disease. You are held accountable, ridiculed, made fun of and told you are the problem. Yet when you make a poor choice and decide to do drugs which are illegal you are told you have a disease and you are sick and you need help and when people get fed up the antics they are the problem because you have a disease. When are they held accountable for their actions? When do we stop giving them excuses and patting them on the head and telling them it is not their fault?
Mom in recovery
9 years ago
This is a medical documented disease. It is a deadly disease and kills millions of people each year.
Margie
8 years ago
Who would ever choose this way of life? Who would ever choose to be an outcast and to live a life of sadness and heartache? Who would choose this way of life if it truly wasn’t a disease?
Mother of an addict
8 years ago
I just wanted to say, that mothers not alone. The experts say that the use of this drug is a disease. There wrong it’s an addiction that destroys your health and family just like when you find out your a diabetic and told the way you’ve been living your entire life has to change or you will die, If someone can change something they’ve been doing there entire life ( smoking, drinking, caffeine, eating sweets, etc.) Then there’s no excuse for for someone using drugs knowing it’s destroying there health and killing themselves n there loved ones.
Vicki
7 years ago
There are NO experts!!! There is only one size fixes all (12 steps). This is wrong! There are different ways of curing cancer, dealing with diabetes and other diseases. But no one in the United States or beyond has figured different approaches to addiction. Tough love is not the answer. Just like homeless people deal with stigmas so do addicts. UNTIL MENTAL ILLNESS IS ADDRESSED. as any other disease is, an addict doesn’t have a chance to get better. My son died from a heroine overdose and he tried so hard. I swear he did as all who knew him would agree. I say human beings should not be judged. and belittled as Jesus Christ was. Say what you want to make yourself feel better. I totally disagree, but respect your right to pass judgement on the meek!
Elizabeth Triggs
7 years ago
It may be a disease but its a somewhat self indulgent one. I don’t think she is being selfish at all. He has not only made a. mess of his life but everyone around him.That by definition is a selfish son
pissed off
7 years ago
your an idiot! shes selfish because she doesnt want to see her die from drugs? dumb mofo
ktina
7 years ago
Shove your AA book right up your rear! Until you have gone through the pain of having a child do this to themselves, you have no right to talk. Your stupid AA garbage is killing people. It.Does.Not.Work.! THREE PERCENT actually recover and it probably has more to do with the person and not the stupid hand holding “I am an addict” program. What heroin addict wants to talk about using heroin for hours at a time with people he doesn’t know? That creates an urge to use.
Brenda
9 years ago
I wish I had no idea what she feels, but I do X 2.
Linda Myers
9 years ago
I know how you feel.. been there.. but please hold on to hope.. for my son also is a recovering heroin addict.. he has been clean for 11 years.. as far as I know.. but I did go down that road.. and it tore me apart.. Physically and Mentally.. he served 7 years in prison.. and has been out for 4 years.. He is married now.. and he has a really good job.. which some say is impossible with having felonies.. but he did it… he is a great father, a loving husband and Most of all.. I see him living daily to accomplish all his dreams… YES you are so right..Life is so much more than DRUGS.. and again I feel this is not disease… it is a choice…!! NO i am no doctor, nor am I a counselor.. I AM JUST A MOM… my GREATEST FEAR is the facts of this drug.. I HATE HEROIN… and as I continue to read all the facts and the stories of all the families that are going thru the same thing.. just know YOU are not alone!! and if anyone reads this… My GREATEST DREAM.. is to continue to watch my son rebuild his LIFE… and I PRAY GOD will continue to move in his LIFE.. and when its time for me to leave this world.. I PRAY HE KNOWS … just how VERY PROUD I am to call HIM “my SON”!! with GOD all things are possible…
Sue
8 years ago
Thank you for your post. My son too has been an addict for the past 10 years, the latest being heroin. He is currently in jail – will probably be for another 2 years – been there before, in and out of rehab after rehab. I have bailed him out, picked him up on the streets, ‘detoxed’ him, done everything I can for him – even ‘enabled’ I’m sure – sounds like our stories are identical. I thank you for sharing and giving me hope that maybe this time he’ll stay clean . . . . Congrats to you (and your son). I pray that he continues on the path to sobriety.
Mom
9 years ago
I am the one who wrote this post. I read the comments on FB and I will not get involved in responding to them or defending myself. I don’t care what they think. I am, however, amazed at some of the negative comments by people who miss the depth of love I have for my son. Perhaps they cannot relate to this depth of love. Perhaps they are not parents. I write this after ten years of complete devastation watching him destroy himself. When a child is hurting the parent is also hurting. And his addiction is my addiction. I don’t want to see him live this way and if that is selfish, so be it. I too would do anything to save my son’s life. And for all the people on the other side of addiction, it is a life-sucking hell to live with an addict….sorry, but true. Yes, I am a victim of his disease. All family members are victims of addiction.
I agree with the lady who said addiction is a choice. ” Our lives are shaped by the decisions we make.” Tony Robbins said that and it’s so true. Is there anyone out there who doesn’t know the dangers and potential consequences of addiction when they make that first choice to use? What kind of life is addiction?
Yes addiction is a disease and it sneaks up on people. I ache inside watching my son live this way. If I could suffer instead of him, I would. But unlike cancer, it is a disease that started out as a choice. But once made, it can be changed.
No, I don’t know what it is like to be a heroin addict. But I do know this. There is no life in addiction, and as difficult as it may be to make the decision to stop, the withdrawals could not possibly be as difficult as the life of an addict. The decision to stop may involve short term pain and discomfort, but the gain in long term life. Ask the people who have done it and see how they feel. Everyone wants to have a good life and they are not going to find it in addiction. So quit defending your addiction, say yes to help dammit and get your life back. This last comment was made to my son (and all addicts) by one of his friends…a former addict:
Life is better sober. Sober up and stop killing yourselves and each other. Time to start living..
Nicole's Mom
8 years ago
I agree 100% with your observations, and anyone who doesn’t get it has never watched their child trash their lives. Unfortunately our family’s decent into hell has gone that last, final step…our 18 year old daughter, just beginning her adult life, died in her own bed, not 20 feet from where I lay asleep in the next room, heroin overdose. Anyone who calls you or I selfish because we cant bear to watch our most precious gift throw their life away is being cruel.
Recovering addict
8 years ago
Yes it is a “choice” but once you awaken it as in maybe a beer like i did then it takes you over you say your son has been doing it for 10 years he has to want to get help to get it you cant force him to do it or he will ise again i am a parent and i im a recovering addict also been pne for 14 years and finally in a recovery program you want him to get help let him hit rock bottom stop being there for him maybe he will get help then i had to die before i got help just saying i think you need al-anon meetings or simply pick up a big book and read the stories.
mbsoest
8 years ago
I applaud you. I admire you and I respect you. Thank you for putting into words what my own soul could not.
-Nobody-
8 years ago
To the mom who wrote this post (and others in her position): you are not selfish to love your son and want the best for him, you are a good mother and I feel sorry for you.
I can’t begin to understand your pain as a mom, but I know I have caused similar pain to my mom (and dad.) But as a twentysomething IV heroin addict, with plenty of experience dealing with addiction, I can try to help you understand the disease. At least I can put it in perspective for you, there truly are no words that can describe what an addict goes through and how difficult it really is. Note that I am not trying to defend my (or others’ addictions.)
Let me put the choice part in perspective first… You say your son continues to ‘choose’ to use despite consequences (the very definition of an addiction.) This is true, he does ‘choose’ to (I put choose in quotes as the word doesn’t do the situation justice, it makes it sound so easy, like just saying yes or no.) But like he continues to ‘choose’ to use heroin, you continue to ‘choose’ to love him and ‘choose’ to let his negative choices affect your life negatively. Just stop loving him, pretend he doesn’t exist/never existed… “Just say no.” Don’t let him have any affect on you emotionally, don’t even think about him… Not so easy is it? Well, neither is quitting heroin… You see the parallel I’m trying to draw here?
As for the pain… You say you are heartbroken, emotionally empty, fragile, you have “no happiness, no joy, no excitement and passion in my soul…just pain.” That’s exactly how your son feels when he quits heroin… and I’m not talking about the withdrawal (withdrawal is literally Hell on earth, it makes you want to blow your head off with a shotgun ASAP and it makes 60 seconds feel like 60 minutes, no joke, it’s insane), I’m talking about how he (personal experience here) feels after being sober for a month or so. He feels like he’ll never be the same/happy again unless/until he uses heroin (even just “one time” to feel happy again.) Just like you feel you’ll never feel the same until (if) he gets sober… See the parallels I’m drawing here?
I am by no way minimizing your pain or the damage your son has caused you, but personally, I’d rather be in your position than in my position, because in my position I feel all the same negative emotions, plus guilt. Not to mention the horrible withdrawals (when I don’t have heroin) and the fact I have ruined my own life and burned all my bridges that could have led me to a great engineering job.
Anyways, I hope I helped in some way your understanding of your son’s addiction (and addiction in general.) Obviously I didn’t help you feel any better, but I don’t think any amount of sugarcoating addiction would help you.
J
8 years ago
Wow, coming from a home where my mom smoked meth w my two sisters and slammed it sometimes with my brother???? You really out this into perspective for me. I still find it hard to make peace with my mom now that she is sober but the pain I have experienced while she was in her addiction is far to painful. She stabbed me when I was eighteen kicked me out with nowhere to go and since I was age nine I knew only the name Cunt. I hate drugs my aunt died yesterday from heroin and I’m so numb. I have a beautiful family and an amazing husband I haven’t had a drink in four years. I love pge it’s just hard knowing the rest of my family doesn’t talk to me because I don’t join them . It’s quite heartbreaking.
Rose
7 years ago
Thank you for your explanation about how it feels to be addicted – it was helpful to me. I am slowly coming to glimpse what it might be like for my children – who have missed out on so much because of their addictions. My 2 adult children are both addicts and they are the most important people in my life. I struggle to work out how I might be able to help and feel disappointed that I cannot do much. I am getting through by doing a lot of yoga and just taking one day at a time – following advice from professionals. Being a mother is the most important thing I have in my life and it is a struggle to know how to best help them, I would be really interested for your thoughts on how you got through to still be here and any tips you might have for me??
Bill Hewitt
8 years ago
Hi Mom, Your letter was so true for both for both the family and an addict, I am an addict. As far as addiction being a choice I don’t agree. I starts out a choice but every so slowly becomes a unsatisfied craving that needs to be fed. It is a disease, but as you said, when you have a disease you get help and treatment. What many don’t understand is the disease is now is remission, just doing push-ups as we say waiting for any chance to grow back.
God Bless you,
Mom
Thanks for letter
Jackie Feliciano
7 years ago
Thank your for sharing your heartbreak!! I too am devastated by my daughters use of heroine , lifestyle and hesitation for sobriety. I feel heartache and guilt when I dare try to enjoy life. I do not understand why she wants to continue to live on the edge!
Praying for change!!!
#Broken
ktina
7 years ago
I agree with you.
Amy
9 years ago
Very sad, for momma and the son, but the momma needs to find some healing in AlAnon. She doesn’t truly understand the disease of addiction, and perhaps no normie can. But she needs to come to terms with it and find her own recovery and serenity or her son’s disease gets to claim two victims.
Laura
9 years ago
I read you letter to your son. There is a wonderful organization called “Families Anoyomous” you can get support from. It is extremely hard to let go but to save your own life you have to.
God bless you and your son.
lorraine
9 years ago
there is no comment anyone can make to make you feel better. I am a recovering addict and my daughter is too. the only thing you can do is support him don’t hurt him he has enough of that. the only thing I can tell you is when he’s had enough he will stop not because of you his dad or family,when he’s tired of being tired he will seek the help. please hold on the miracle will happen, methadone clinics are a life send
-Nobody-
8 years ago
+1 to this. Nothing anyone says will make you feel better, sorry. And he definitely doesn’t need more hurt/pain or guilt… He generates enough of that inside himself for a whole group of people, that’s probably part of the reason he started using (at least it was for me.)
He needs to feel love, support and acceptance… But don’t give him money (god I wish my parents gave me money for drugs though lol.)
Also methadone is a good idea at this point in his life (10 years of use.) Methadone can stop the addiction to heroin (yes its trading addictions, but who cares if it changes his life.) Be warned though that methadone/Suboxone can just act as a crutch for him when he doesn’t have money for heroin. A high enough dose of methadone will take away his cravings to use (his nees for) heroin (trust me), but it won’t take away his desire to get high. Suboxone probably wouldn’t help him much at all, its weak compared to methadone and he’s being using too much too long for weak stuff to work.
If he really wants to quit, but can’t, he should go the methadone route… Just know that it’s a lifetime commitment. Quitting methadone is harder (withdrawal wise) than quitting heroin because of methadone’s long half-life and the fact it’s absorbed into bone marrow (thus detoxing takes months to years.)
Miriam Sheaffer
9 years ago
You need to go N.As version of Al-Anon. This disease is not yours,it is his. I know exactly what you are going through. My son has been on deaths door several times.Mersa infections,stabbing and Lord knows what else . It is a sad,dirty life that eventually kills them. I know the heartache,the stretching thin of the love you have for your own flesh and blood,but stop. Just stop. Go to group therapy,go to a one on one therapist , go to your Priest or Minister but stop trying to change him because all of the begging,pleading or ultimatums won’t change him. Only he can do that. You have to take care of you. May God Bless you and give you some comfort.
Gina LaForest
9 years ago
OMG I balled my eyes out all the way through this letter..You hit it on the nail here..God Bless you, your son and everyone that ever has to go through this hell…
phil
9 years ago
I could write a novel aboutthe things wrong with this letter but as a recovering heroin addictill just say you really don’t have any idea what you’re talking about or what your son isliving with and going throughon a daily, shit hourly or minute to minute basis at times, and if you’re not an addict you’ll never really understand.
AlwaysHope
9 years ago
As a Mother of an Addict, there are so many emotions that “the Letter” hit on and I would say hit right on target…no one and I mean no one can know the pain you go through as a Mother unless you have lived this horror. That being said, I am only coming to grips with knowing I as a Mother have absolutely no idea what my son is going through.. nor will I ever. Do I believe this is a disease of choice, absolutely not..my son chose drugs, not the addiction. The drugs were not his problem, his reality was the problem when drugs came into his life. Do people actually believe there are addicts out there that if they could turn back time, would want to chose the addiction again? My son is currently in rehab for the second time (many many relapses in between)..I pray he continues on to sober living and finds the love and hope he needs for HIMSELF to live the life he so deserves.
Julie Nicholson
8 years ago
My Darling son David was an addict for almost 15yrs on and off, He was clean for almost 5 months but sadly lost his battle on the 10th May 2015. I will never understand why he chose to risk his life and leave his two beautiful children, who have lived with me for the past nine yrs. I have been told so many times it was not a choice, that Heroin actually changes the brain cells so that all they can think about is where they will get there next fix and nothing else matters. My David was working full time had everything in life to look forward to but still he had to have that one last fix. I hope and pray for everyone in recovery stay focused on your survival and your love for life
Bev
8 years ago
To the Mother who wrote this letter:
We could be the same person. No one other than a Mother of an addict could understand. We are not addicts so we can’t understand how our son’s feel, and thank God for that. I do not want to know. I have been to several different kinds of meetings, read books, talked with addicts, talked with others in our situation, counceling & doctors, etc. Someone even told me to just completely cut him off. Forget about him. He no longer exists. Really? Noooooooooooo, God created me as a Mother & Mothers don’t do that.
My son is in prison now for many years. At least he is alive & we can write, call, & visit.
I do not have the answer. I found some good friends who have suffered like I have. They understand. The bond is tight. You should do the same.
When I say “MY heart goes out to you” I mean it. My friends, sister, & our Lord Jesus Christ are my strength.
I don’t know you but I love you in the name of Christ. I will pray for you & your son.
Hajnalka Smit-Karako
7 years ago
HI to all Mom of addicts
as I was reading this letter and all the comments in there, I was wondering did your son ever turned his back to drugs, to heroin? was he able to change?
I am also a mom of addict. I found out coupe month ago that my son, who will turn 19 in August is using heroine since January, but he started using speed from April and for 2 years now he did other drugs, which I had no clue.
This letter of yours was so true, every word touched my heart, both of you moms. Since my son became addict, he was already in prison but I bailed him out, he crashed 2 of our cars, stole, lied,etc. but I still love him with all my heart. No matter what he is my son, my middle one, my trouble maker.
Twice he was on edge of death, overdose, but both times I found him, and gave him narcan, and called 911. Now for the 2nd time he went to rehab, This time he went to Christian rehab center, although he does not believe, but he liked how the Pastor spoke with him, treated him like a person. I do hope, I am praying that God will change Leon’s heart, and all your kids heart and give them drug free life.
I don’t know what would I do with out him! His girlfriend is an addict to, and her family has a long history of addiction and violence. Now her mom and stepfather are clean for 5-10 years, but her dad is addict and hiding from police. Her step brother died 3 days ago from addiction, heroine over dose. I know this relationship is not good for him, but he is willing to go on streets with her, and I can’t let him do that.
Now she entered also a 30 days rehab, for 4th time.
What is happening, with our kids?!? Why?!
Worried but hopeful
Mom
God bless you mom’s of addicts and your kids
Nancy M
8 years ago
I am a Mom of an addict. She has done most of the things that you outline here. You have hit the nail on the head. This is ALL the feelings I have had and could not express. So, thank you for putting it in words on a page. I feel the same way. My daughter went thru all this too. However, she overdosed July 28 and is now gone. She died. I was unable to hold her hand while she died because she was with some loser user when she died. She was not with me. She chose to do drugs after being clean in jail for 70 days. So this is the end. All these thoughts still occur in my head and my heart. I am heart broken. Drugs kill.
Mom
8 years ago
There is an organization not sure where your from but here in alberta Canada it’s called pep parents empowering parents it is an amazing group my son has been an addict for 7 years and we have done the detox/rehab as well and I spent so much time asking myself what I could have done different what did we do as parents . Spent countless hours calling friends and driving place to place in search of him . We even had to save his life literally twice the second was almost fatal thank the Lord for naloxone it kept him alive long enough to get to an emergency . Keep heart though and look into groups that help the parents of addicts . Best of luck
just a recovering addict
8 years ago
To the mother who wrote this, first and foremost I’m sorry for your heartache. I pray that not only your son, but you too, find healingand ppeace in God. I am a recovering heroin addict, I was lost in my addiction from 13 to 25. I did not have the choice yo say no, as my parents, also addicts, gave it to me and got me hooked as a child. Then Almost 12 years later, god sent a mother figure into my life picked me up off the streets and showed me a better way. I am not telling u this to get a pity party, my point in saying all this is not everybody has the choice to say no, and addiction is a disease, because once you become addicted, especially to heroin, it changes your brain chemistry forever. It takes7 years of complete abstinence, based on reliable studies for an addicts brain to become remotely normal again. Im aware that some conciously make the choiceon their own to do the drug for the first time, but truly something is seriously lacking insideif a person has to shoot up, and its horribly sad. I’m by no means trying to minimize your feelings or your pain, as I haven’t walked in your shoes. I will however keep u and your son in my prayers, as addiction is pure hell. I just wanted to clarify that not everybody “gets to make the cchoice that shape their life”, sadly sometimes poor decisions are made for us. It is UP TO US HOWEVER AT SOME POINT TO STOP LETTING WHAT HAPPENED TO US CONTROL US, AND GET HELP. We are the only ones that can help ourselves. I pray for total restoration of you and your sons relationship, as well as continual sobriety for him. God bless.
J
8 years ago
Man your post touched me so deep. I know your not looking for any pity but I’m sorry what the hell were your parents thinking. My mom used with my three older siblings but not at thirteen! Neither age makes it any better but This hurt my heart so bad. I’m so very sorry you had to endure this and be ripped of your childhood and innocence. This truly infuriates me!!!! We are supposed to be protected as kids not hurt. I really hope you are better and believe in yourself and that you are so worthy of so much. Fuck this drives me crazy I fucking hate drugs!!!! And I hate people that hurt kids!!!!! ????????????????????????????????
jenifer
8 years ago
my son is addicted to crystalmeth, marijuana and another drug. I was totally broken when I find out I want to kill my son for putting me through all the pain he was in rehap 3times I can’t explain the pain I ask myself where does I go wrong don’t want to leave my house because I was ashame. one day I read a scrip about addiction and saw that I’m not alone all though I thought so today I speak out it brings healing strongs to all the mothers out there don’t stop loving your loved ones its hard but be strong, God will keep us keep on hoping
Suzanne Lee
8 years ago
I feel the deepest empathy for you. Thank you for putting into words, the agony and the burden of being the mother of a drug addict son who refuses to accept recovery and get well. The umbilical cord that sustained and nourished your son while he was being formed in your womb is never truly severed, and perhaps can never be! So, though you struggle to find meaning in your own life while your son continues to destroy his, you really can never be free, because he is your son. I hope you know that your suffering is not without meaning, and is a result of you having said yes to life and to love. This always involves courage and risk. Though you may not be able to find joyous happiness while your son is destroying himself, I hope you can find some peace in knowing that you did risk love, you have done everything you could’ve done to support love, and you will take this love to your grave. It is the tragedy of tragedies that the recipient of your love could not choose love as you have.
Ricky
8 years ago
Hello To “Mother Of A Heroin Addict”
I to am a Mother who has agonized over my son’s use of Heroin. I thank you as so many others do for the courage it took, for you to write this letter. I have written a Blog about my son’s addiction. A Mother’s Awakening. Our family has gone down this same road as you and yours. I myself have been so blessed as My Son is now a “Rehabilitated Addict”!
Please let me say that the anguish you are going through is what all of us Mother’s had to bare. You are not helping him. You can talk till your blue in the face sadly nothing you say really matters. I had to learn that also. You have to grab a hold of your lovely self and get a grip, on your life.
Sadly they themselves have to realize the hard way that they have had enough. My Husband ,Children and I tried desperately to help him. My sickness, daily over his addiction did not faze him in the least. It was all about what he was needing at the time and how he would smile, connive and tear through my heart to get what ever he was needing at the time.
I, later realized that I was his biggest enabler. Listen save yourself, take a shower and wash all the hurt away. You are a wonderful Mother that made “NO Mistakes”. Believe me when I tell you if he see’s that you are no longer falling apart there will be some kind of change in him. Do not make him your chore. He has to say that “He has had enough and seek out the help he needs! It will happen. Have faith in G-d. Enjoy your days and perhaps the other children that you have. Life is to short, I am sure you are thinking ” she can say these words because her Son is now recovering”.
I can say these words because you need help in saving yourself, I am sure that you want to be around when he is also in recovery and he tell you…….
“I Love You Mom!”
Love & Blessings
Ricky
Jacki
8 years ago
Dear fellow mom,
I feel your agony in each word I read. We are walking the same journey. My son is also an addict. Just typing the word is hard.
The discrepancy of our walks is that I strongly believe that my son has a disease. One that he did not choose nor would not choose. It is true that he picked up his drug of choice (opiates) by his own free will. However, he did NOT know that his brain was wired a bit different than others and was predisposed to become addicted. Have each of us not used something that we knew could cause us harm? (alcohol, prescription drugs in EXCESS, foods in a copious amount, caffeine, nicotine, shopping, gambling, sex, etc.)
It just so happens that our child, like so many others- have an ILLNESS. A disease. Just like diabetes. With the proper treatment, they can live a healthy life. It will be a daily battle, but it is a possibility.
HOWEVER, it needs to be their choice to get the help they need.
As with your child, my son has been through rehab, detox, a methadone clinic, Suboxone. We have been in family counseling, he has been to one on one therapy, NA (Narcotics Anonymous), AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). I have attended private therapy and Al Anon.
I believe that with knowledge comes power. Your (as with mine) son has a DISEASE. The sooner you wrap your mind around that concept, the faster you will be able to help your child.
Helping is not enabling.
Addiction has zero to do with his upbringing. You didn’t CAUSE it, you can’t CONTROL it and you can’t CURE it.
I remember the misery of believing that I hated my son. Today, I realize that I detest the DISEASE and love the addict.
When you have the ability to separate the addict from the addiction…..you are on your way to acceptance.
I wish the very best for you and your entire family. Addiction is as a stone thrown into a pond. The ripples affect everyone.
Addict Advocate
8 years ago
I hear a lot of “I” and “Me” in this letter and the comments. Oh, this persons addiction hurts you? Well let me tell you NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU HURT THE ADDICT IN YOUR LIFE HURTS THAT MUCH AND MORE. Amplify your hurt times infinity and then you’ll come close to understanding what its like. Addicts hurt when they use, they hurt when they can’t use, they hurt when they choose to stop using, they hurt even more when they relapse. You will never understand unless you have lived it, as an addict.
And for all the comments about upbringing not being a part of it, you’re kidding yourselves. Maybe your a great parent, maybe you suck, only you and your kid truly know that…but show me any addicts childhood/adolescence and I will show you the trauma or traumas they experienced that drove them to use. You may not even know about it — it took me 15 years to tell my mother about the night I was date raped when I was 17. She had no idea, she thought he was an angel. Many people will disagree with me for a whole host of reasons — addicts use for any reason or no reason at all, using because of trauma is just an excuse, or maybe even the old addicts choose to use. The truth is they are self medicating for some reason, take some time to REALLY talk to them without judgement, without preconceived notions of what their story is, without jumjumping to conclusions… YOU WILL BE SURPRISED WHAT YOU HEAR.
ktina
7 years ago
You’re blaming your mother because you were date raped and didn’t tell her? Listen up butter cup, it’s happened to a lot of girls and most of them don’t stick needles in their arms. You have written this like a self-absorbed child who still doesn’t know the pain she’s caused.
As moms of addicts we have done EVERYTHING to help our kids. A mother is only as happy as her saddest child. I didn’t understand until I became a parent.
Raising my grand daughter
8 years ago
Addiction is called a “disease” so it can be one more thing an addict does not have to take responsibility for. The only ones that can call it a disease are the children born addicted because of the CHOICE that their drug addicted egg/sperm donor made.
Sharon Jooste
7 years ago
Hi I’m Sharon from South Africa ~ I’ve read quite a few letters and all so painful, my heart goes out to everyone of you! My story is about my son Chris who starting using heroin around 19 years of age, went to 8 rehabs and overdosed 4 times I know of and Everytime was revived and brought back to be given another chance..It doesn’t feel good writing this but I feel the need to!He was imprisoned a few times in possession of heroin or for theft needing his fix so badly even stole from us on numerous occasions but never bailed him out and he sat for 8 months or more each time..the prison time seemed safer for him,not having access to heroin and when he was released I was always hopeful that he would learn from going to prison but the beast overcame him and would go back to using again each time causing so much stress and heartache for our family and myself!He was allowed back home many times but that got too difficult for him because he needed to be near his drug dealers..whe tried going cold-turkey was agonizing to go through!
Nancy
7 years ago
I would just like to say this. I agree that the addicts themselves go through more pain than anyone. As one of the commenters said, they hurt when they use, when they don’t use, and hurt the most when they relapse. Two of my three children are long-term addicts who have been on this roller coaster ride from hell for 16 yrs. – taking every family member along for the ride. What I don’t care for in some of the addicts who have replied here is the fact that because they are in “more” pain – their mother’s pain somehow doesn’t count and they shouldn’t be able to express it. To call a hurting mother “selfish” because she not only wants her child to live, but is also suffering from all of the insidious chaos, abuse, and all of the other craziness that goes with it – is selfish in itself. I have done everything in my power to help both of my kids, and they/we have enjoyed many years of “recovery” time in between. It is awful to be a mother of an addict. We are constantly in fear of losing our children, in some cases raising their grandchildren, and are financially and mentally ruined. I suffer from all of the above. I know that my wonderful kids have diseases, but it doesn’t lessen my pain one bit. And it certainly doesn’t make a mother “selfish” because she needs to vent about the pain she is suffering. That’s akin to saying someone got their arm cut off, so the person who only got their hand cut off is not suffering, and they are “selfish” for saying that they are. This disease is insidious all the way around, and as we (parents of addicts) acknowledge and do what we can humanly do for our addict children, they should also acknowledge and do what they humanly can to alleviate our suffering as well. We are allowed to express our pain as well, without judgement. PERIOD.
Becky Whitehouse Klick Thompso
6 years ago
I know how you feel having a child with an addiction like cancer it is a disease treatment for cancer is not always successful no matter how hard you try addiction is not easy to beat I don’t think your son is using drugs to hurt you I know my daughter was not intentionally trying to hurt me no matter how much you ask him to get clean it won’t work it has to come from him
Susan Jones
5 years ago
my son died aug 24 2018…it IS a disease…as they DO want to change but that demon keeps pulling them back!!! My son had stopped, 4 months later one slip and hes gone. 🙁 I hope and pray yours gets clean forever
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