May 8, 2015 | By Tim Powers

I’m Gonna Keep On Keepin’ On….

Personal Addiction Recovery Stories

Im-Going-to-Keep-On-Keeping-On

I was up at 4:30 this morning.

That is brutally early even for an old man like me. Usually that time of morning is reserved for negotiating with my cat Theo to sleep in for at least a couple more hours–and usually I lose because, well, he is a cat.

To be honest with you, I was too sparked to sleep in this morning. Celebrating 12 years clean and sober will do that. As I get further down the road in my sobriety these anniversary dates become more appreciated at a deeper level that make my soul sing. Yeah, it is good to get medallions, atta boys and pats on the back…but when the true and wise voices that reside deep in your soul give you the nod that is when you know you need to keep on keepin’ on.

As I sit here sipping on my coffee, I am trying to think of the tangent I want to take this blog. I think the biography route, while all well and good, is kinda cliche. I have always been at my best when I just riff along to whatever my head and soul are jamming to, so I will start to the point where it all began 12 years ago… in a psych ward at 3am.

Turn On the Lights… It’s Closing Time

The night of May 7th, 2003 was like all the nights of the previous few years, I was completely wasted and wounded. I was driving the back way home – up to my eyeballs in liquor – hoping to avoid the police as I made my way back to my apartment. Technically, I didn’t have an apartment anymore since I was evicted and three months behind on the rent. However, since I didn’t turn in my keys and successfully avoided my landlord I would crash in the debris of dirty sheets, dirty dishes, dust and the random dried up puke stains on the carpet.

Anyways, I was about to make the turn into the driveway when the cherries appeared in my rear view. FUCK.

If you have been in that situation, it is the worst. From the time you get stopped to the time the officer comes to your window you are fishing for plausible scenarios while trying to play it cool. I was in the same situation two years prior and failed, was this time going to be different? I used my best lies and worked my game, but it was really pathetic – how would a cop buy the bullshit story from a guy with glassed over bloodshot eyes speaking in tongues? He wasn’t having it.

I was going to jail, and in that moment something clicked within, the lie was over. The lights were turned on within…the party was over. After years of denial, manipulation and lies, the truth surfaced. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE.

Fear and Loathing on the Sixth Floor

Since I was talking out of my head and speaking of dying, the officer took me to the psych ward instead of jail. I was put on a Chapter 51 hold, which means that I was deemed to be a danger to myself at others. Normally a 72 hour hold, it was extended to five days since I was arrested close to the weekend. Finally, after being processed, stripped of anything that could be a danger of myself (shoes, necklaces etc.) there I was, 3am and alone in a hospital bed and no one there.

That moment I realized that I was truly alone.

For five days I sat and shuffled amongst people who were suicidal and wanted to fly with the birds and I wondered to myself WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE? Truth is I belonged there…I was truly sick in the head, losing the wrestling match with my addiction. It took me three days to call my parents and another day to come clean that I fucked up again. I died a thousand deaths on the sixth floor of that hospital, but one thing was for sure…I needed to get sober, I wanted to get sober.

I didn’t care about what I was about to face. I knew my family and friends were ready to cut the strings and let me float. I knew I was facing jail time. I knew I didn’t have a home or really anything to go home to. It was time to fight for my life and ready or not the gloves were on. I was ready for battle.

Salvation Awaits… Along With Cottage Cheese and Fruit

Two weeks after my arrest, I walked through the doors of the treatment facility and scared out of my mind. I knew I needed inpatient treatment; I had gone through the motions of outpatient treatment after my first arrest and was drunk half of the time anyway. My strategy of laying low and “doing my own thing” lasted a day…my peers and counselors weren’t having it.

I learned my first lesson in recovery when they put my chair in the middle and I had to hear variations of the following:

Why are you here? I don’t think you really want to be sober…

Boy was I pissed. I sat and stewed for days, but I understood what they were driving at. I needed to do my work, no matter how painful it is or how much feeling sucks. For two months my life was getting up at 6am, doing morning reflection, exercise, group, lunch, AA, group, cottage cheese and fruit, group, evening reflection, bed…rinse and repeat.

Eventually, I started to notice changes. I began to unravel the roots of my addiction and stared them down. I began to peel away the stale skin of my past like layers of an onion and cast them aside. I liked sobriety and how it felt. I began to realize that the life I was living was a lie and I wasted years of energy keeping up appearances.

I left treatment in July 2003, served my jail time and emerged a new man. From the day I left jail to this very moment that I am typing this I have had my ups and downs and through it all I haven’t had one drink or drug. For 4,380 days, I have woke up and gone to bed sober and have attempted to fill the time between with all things recovery and awesome.

I have had my setbacks and savored the small victories. I am definitely a different person that I was 12 years ago, but I have a long way to go and that is fine. It is cliche but true…recovery is a journey and there are new things to discover in the world and about myself and I need to approach each day with eyes and soul wide open and with the fight of a warrior.

What I Want to Pass On to You…

People will ask what addiction is like. My answer is simple…listen to “Mr. Brownstone” by Guns n’ Roses. In 3 minutes and 49 seconds, this song perfectly captures the mindset of the addict and what addiction is, especially these lyrics:

“I used to do a little but a little wouldn’t do it
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin’ to get a little better
Said a little better than before
I used to do a little but a little wouldn’t do it
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin’ to get a little better
Said a little better than before”

While the taste and feeling you get from the poison of your choice can be euphoric and immediate, addiction is a slow-moving plague and will steal your conscience and soul bit by bit until one day you truly wake up and realize you have nothing. It took me years to create my worst nightmare and I have been building myself back up brick by brick. It ain’t easy, but as they say it works if you work it and you are worth it.

I have realized a few things in my recovery thus far…

–The world isn’t going to change for me, I need to find my spot in the world, put down my stakes and stake my claim. Despite the stigma that surrounds addiction and recovery, I want to be a testimony to the power of recovery and show people that is works and there are many, many more people like me walking the streets of Anytown, USA…

–Whatever you have to do to work your plan of recovery, DO IT. If you need to go to three meetings a day, do it…if you need to keep your sponsor on constant redial, do it…new hobbies…volunteering…mentoring…developing spirituality. It is your recovery brothers and sisters. It is your canvas…paint it bold strokes and use whatever colors you like.

–SOBRIETY IS NOT A SENTENCE. Some people may think there are limitations being in recovery, I call shenanigans. Sobriety opens up doors and gives you unlimited options to grow and do kick ass things. Early on in recovery, I thought I had to hang up the bass guitar for good…uh uh, wasn’t having it. I still play festivals and clubs and I rock harder, longer and better than I ever have. I get to write blogs and articles on addiction and recovery and hope that people can grab just a taste of what recovery can be and write their own story.

–If you work your recovery every day, pray, keep your word and stay humble and hungry you will find that you have more friends in your corner than you ever thought you would have. Hang with the winners because they will give you support and encouragement when you need it and won’t be afraid to call you on your shit. You need people that are real in your life…find them.

–Stand tall and stand your ground. There will be the white-knuckle days when the deck seems stacked against you and your mind is full of fuck-its… breathe. Those feelings will pass if you utilize the tools that were given to you in treatment and from those who are farther along in their journey than you. Stare down your fear, dig in and hang on, and say the Serenity Prayer… a lot.

Well, I have bent your ear enough. I am going to treat myself to lunch then play some guitar and listen to some Thin Lizzy. Live free, stay strong and don’t give in. Until next time.

Im-Going-to-2

7 responses to “I’m Gonna Keep On Keepin’ On….

  • Thanks brother!
    11 years sober myself.
    February 17th, 2004.
    NOTHING BETTER THAN SOBRIETY! !
    I just recently lost my best friend to a heroine overdose. I still can’t believe it. He had about 13 years sober before he went back out.
    Anyway, thank you for your words.
    love you brother.

  • Heather Weis

    9 years ago

    Congratulations on your sobriety! I really enjoyed reading YOUR journey. I’m so happy for you. I have a brother who is now 3 1/2 years sober after a couple years of being in and out of the county jail and then 3+ years in the state penitentiary. I also have a sister that is about 5 months sober now. I couldn’t be more proud of them. Addiction is so destructive in all aspects of life! Anyone who conquers it are absolute rockstars!

  • Matt rutledge

    9 years ago

    Thanks man for your story! I just got ten months today. I have been (going through it) lately. It has been really cool so far and I have been happy. Some ups and downs. But the last couple weeks have been real tough! Anxiety and depression has been kinda pulling me down. I have been working the steps but need some relief. Your story gives me inspiration. Do you have any words of advice for me? I was a hard drinker and don’t want to go back to my old ways. Is this normal?

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