Oct 8, 2013 | By Tim Stoddart

Depression in Recovery

Mental Health

As the co-owner and co-founder of this site, I have made it a priority of mine to stay unbiased in the content that we write, and share among the Sober Nation family. With that being said, every once in a while I like to take it upon myself to share my own experience, especially how it pertains to my recovery.

depression in recovery

Many recovered addicts can relate to feeling depressed. We are told that if we get sober, we will feel better. For me, in the beginning, that was the only thing keeping me from picking up. I felt beaten down and worthless. Self worth can not be replaced, it can only be renewed. That is so easy to say, but when we are in the pits of our own insecurities, it seems unfathomable to ever get back to the time when we “felt good” about life.

Unfortunately, getting sober does not mean feeling better. It just means we get sober. Naturally, removing harmful and depressing chemicals from your body plays a physiological role in how we feel. But there is more to it then that, there is the element of self worth and self esteem that can only be attained through action.

This idea is incredibly disheartening when we find ourselves dealing with depression in recovery. With almost four years of continuous sobriety, I have been struggling with depression. There is no rhyme or reason to it, it just came. It creeps in like a dense fog, and penetrates my skin. The worst part about it, is that it is impossible to put on a finger on why I am feeling this way. I just… feel shitty. For no apparent reason at all. For me, the most frustrating part is when people tell you “you need to take it upon yourself to feel better.” Oh really?? I haven’t thought of that before. I’ll just… feel better. Got it! Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, those people are right. No one else is going to make me feel better. I have to take it upon myself. I have to act my way into feeling better. My feelings are a direct result of my actions, so when I am feeling down, I have to look at what I am doing. That is the best place to start.

Now… I am strong, and over the past few days I have been doing some things that have been helping with it. Exercise has always been a big part of it, there is something very soothing to me about exhausting myself and putting myself through pain. So I know the future looks bright. When looking back on the past few weeks, and looking at how I have been acting, there are moments that I would love to take back. Insecurity really comes through in others. I think (speaking for myself) that my insecurities come out most when dealing and interacting with other people, especially those that mean the most to me. It would be so much easier to just speak about how I feel, and being upfront with people. However, my first reaction is usually regarding telling someone else what they are doing wrong. That is silly, but it is somehow easy to internally justify. After the fact, I almost always see that I was wrong, and that I acted like a jackass.

The only thing I can do now is learn from it, and do my best to act better the next time something like this comes around. Feeling depressed is such a complex riddle to solve. It is a conundrum because when we are depressed, we dont want to to anything, which makes us more depressed, ad infinituum. The sad truth is that they only time I find myself ready to change, is when I have felt enough pain. Eventually, the stove gets too hot, and I make a change. This is still a reactive response, and it is the best interest of myself (and the people around me) to be more proactive about my own feelings and my adequacy in the world. I know I matter, I know I am loved, but sometimes knowing it and feeling it are two different things.

Depression in recovery sucks. I have heard people say it sucks worse than depression in active addiction because my coping mechanisms don’t involve numbing myself from the pain. I am forced to deal with it. I am forced to take a look at myself. That is not fun. Not for me, not for anyone.

I have some amends to make, although this does not count as a formal amends, I would still like to let the world know that I am sorry for how I have acted recently. I have dealt with stress in unhealthy ways. I am not perfect, but I am actively trying to get better a day at a time.

Here’s the kicker. I am so lucky and blessed for my life. The best thing about this website is that we have provided a medium for people to help each other, and to encourage each other. So if for no other reason, I hope that someone reads this and finds a way to relate. It is comforting to know that I am not the only one who struggles with anxiety and depression. If you are also struggling, we are here to help. We are all as strong and the foundation we build around us. So hopefully, the foundation that we have built is enough to make those around us stronger. Collectively, we can make the world a better place.

If you need to talk call us at 866-317-7050.

Thank You… for giving me purpose. For giving me strength, and for giving me a reason to get out of bed when sometimes, I just don’t want to.

30 responses to “Depression in Recovery

  • kickingitwithkathy

    10 years ago

    This was me last week and I just could not figure out what was going on! I’m usually a very up, positive person, but for some reason, this past week, I have experienced much anxiety and depression! I’ve talked with my Life Coach about it and she did teach me some awesome “Self Coach” tools that are helping me to work through it!! Thank you for your transparency…..this has really helped me!

  • I too suffer from depression. I have for a long time and drinking just makes it worse, in the sense that when I sober up, I just hate myself for drinking myself into a stupor again. I drink to get drunk, to forget my life, to make myself numb. It doesn’t work. I’m now trying to stop the self medication and so far I’ve been successful for a number of days. One day at a time. Thanks for all the advice and the article. Everything you wrote is true and we will continue to get better and find some good in each and every day; it makes staying sober, for me, worth every moment. Good luck, with love!

  • wheelysober82

    10 years ago

    I found this really helpful – thank you x
    I’m battling depression, and being physically disabled also, and trying to make sobriety rock like others seem to be able to.
    Hard to seperate recovery issues with ‘life’ issues. My sponsors most used phrase is’and that is perfectly normal…’. My life was far from normal for so long, I don’t know what it looks like.
    Thank you again for this share x

  • wheelysober82

    10 years ago

    I found this really helpful – thank you x
    I’m battling depression, and being physically disabled also, and trying to make sobriety rock like others seem to be able to.
    Hard to seperate recovery issues with ‘life’ issues. My sponsors most used phrase is’and that is perfectly normal…’. My life was far from normal for so long, I don’t know what it looks like.
    Thank you again for this share x

  • Saintmartinman13

    10 years ago

    I feel exactly same as the writer of this. But I was looking for more insight on sober depression not a web site looking for money. I think it is sad to profit some someone’s addiction.

  • breezybaby88

    10 years ago

    I can relate to this blog in so many ways, I am currently three years clean, and I find myself becoming depressed out of no where, and in the worst ways possible, but also this year since decemeber I have lost five loved ones all family and one friend, So I often think that that has a lot to do with it, but like you said there is no “numbing” the pain, or suppressing the pain for the time being with drugs any more, we now have to deal with it, and figure out what it is in our lives that we have to do to try and stop those depressed feelings. I honestly have found it very hard lately to occupy my mind and focus my energy on something positive instead of being down and out, When I first came into recovery I tried a therapist and a psychiatrist but both of them were very rude and disrespectful to me because of my drug history, so because of these two bad experiences I am now scared to try and new psychiatrist when I get new health insurance, but I have a feeling I need to talk to someone about all the grieving I have gone through this year and also my life before I did drugs, because I have suppressed all those feelings from my child hood with drugs, and now that I am clean the thoughts of my past are effecting my mood on a daily basis, so I know I need to talk and get to the root of the problem, I just wish I knew I could walk into a psychiatrists office without them being so judgemental. Anyways thank u for sharing your story, and helping me a little. One day at a time, sometime I even have to live my life one minute at a time to stay clean, but I will do whatever it takes, there is no going back for me , I do not wish to die and I know that is what will happen if I choose to use again.

  • Hey, I just wanted to say that this article was amazing… Trust God and stay strong

  • `I’m 5 months sober, and am feeling exactly like the writer, depression & anxiety, I’m trying so hard to be positive & spiritual; finding it difficult to “let go & let God.” ( trust issues.) I am pursing my dream. It’s getting easier to fight the depression, the anxiety is self-imposed, I put myself in situations, my choice. I tie-dye for my self therapy it makes me happy & I’m good. Thinking on starting a on-line store. Researching options. Sober & Smiling!

  • cora mathison

    10 years ago

    I have been depressed for a long time. The problem i have is i’m in chronic pain for several years now. The problem i have i can’t get help from my job. I was injured on the job. I have had to fight for 10 years to try to get help. I have had 3 back surgeries and still hurt everyday. No help to find doctors especially if you had surgery from another doctor because they don’t want to fix someone else mistake. I had limitation. I did have some bosses that did go by my limitation but then i would have others that wouldn’t. During the holidays they would have me on the window lifting over my weigh limits and no one to help me. The last two Christmases i had to take off work because mental and physically i couldn’t do it. Been denied workman’s comp. They say you don’t get depression,anxiety with chronic pain. Been out of work for 11 months now. It’s really hard for me because before my accident i could do every thing now i am limited on things i can do. It takes me longer because i do a little at a time. I have trying to be positive and letting things go but it’s hard.

  • 5 months clean! I have a wonderful husband, he’s so supportive. We have 2 amazing kids together. I’m so blessed, that’s why I’m so frustrated w/ myself for being depressed! Of course I beat myself up about it, making the depression worse. I’m holding on to sobriety for dear life, it’s all I can do!

  • I think that was a very excellent detailed story of the other effects opiate addiction causes in a persons life. It’s not just physical withdraw one feels, but a life time of struggling with this.. Nice to hear that other women/persons feel the same and even better to know their is hope.

  • I am 2 years and 6 months sober from alcohol. This story says it all about me too. I have very strong ups and very strong downs. I am struggling through this damn recovery depression. But I found out what makes me strong and happy in recovery. Its HIKING. The first year of recovery I hiked 900 miles because it was the only thing that made me feel good. I noticed when I stopped hiking I got very depressed and ready to relapse. So I got my hiking boots back on and then everything was better again. This recovery from being in the depression sometimes makes me want to give up sobriety because I want to numb myself again to make the hurt from depression go away. But the answer is exercise the dopimine you get is the high your body needs

    • I am currently 16 months sober and have been perplexed at why recently I have become overwhelmingly depressed. I also suffer from anxiety and used alcohol to “fix” that feeling, and while I know that I will not succomb to my addiction, I just wish I had some answers as how to get out of this funk. I replied to you because Hiking is my drug of choice and the only thing that truly clears my mind, however, I cant realistically hike 24/7, although I did for a while! Hoping that time and awareness will help me to break the cycle of depression, and in the mean time I look forward to comments and shares from others who can relate. Hike on!!

  • I am a “functioning alcoholic”..and a perfectionist!!..Was recently sentenced to a 90 day rehab facility, starting in 2 days and as I write this..I’m drinking a beer!..I am soooo sick and tired of this “cycle” (My Mom and 3 brothers are also alcoholics and have a daughter who’s got a severe prescription pill addiction), I am soooo scared and feel soo alone as I attempt to stay strong and really try to beat this problem!!..I am a Nurse, of all things and have worked with emotionally challenged kids, who also had addictions and you’d think I’d KNOW better!!..and I DO!!..but, like some of you have written, I’ve had many childhood trauma’s, which has forced me to be this “perfectionist” about EVERYTHING!! and if it doesn’t work out that way, I say to myself,” To hell with it!!~I give up!!” and start hitting the beer!!..I know, in the logical part of my brain, that THIS is something I must do, but, I’m not getting ANY support from anyone, (have 2 sisters, 3 brothers, 2 grown kids,friends, etc) and I feel like taking a bunch of pills, going to sleep and never waking up again!!!..Noo..I’m stronger than this, wouldn’t do it, but, I soo need someone , anyone that will actually LISTEN and help..instead of saying,” Well, you brought it all on yourself!..Live with it!!” or,” Sorry to hear about this…good luck to ya…probably won’t help any…a way for the State to make $$!!”, etc…I almost feel like just calling it quits..here n now..and letting GOD deal with it, when I stand b4 Him!!…Any suggestions on how I can help myself..relieve myself of this major anxiety, depression and feeling I’ve lost it all???…(Drinking has not allowed me to lose anything of value..yet..still have my house, car, $$, friends and some family..)..I just am sooo scared of what I’m about to face…both physically, mentally and emotionally!!! Anybody with some words of widom would be greatly appreciated..n, if ya believe in the Big Guy in the sky…send a prayer for me to get thru this!!!! Thank you, for letting me get this out…since, no one else seems to wanna listen!!….Wish me luck~I’m tryin’!!…. :'(

    • Michael Galligan

      6 years ago

      Some times we need a break and a rest. Let the next 90 days be a vacation from life. Lose any expectations you have and chill.

  • Michelle Smith

    10 years ago

    So i totally relate to this article and addiction and depression are my major crosses to bear…with a side of an eating disorder. 🙁 Could i get more fucked up? lol> But nothing no act in a dark alley, or jumping out of a moving plane scares me as much as Depression does. So i was sober from an early age from 16 to 19…i was sponsering, the entertainment chair of aa conventions, worked up to the 9th step, i was a counselor and all around stoked to be sober , young, and alive. But that all quickly ended when the depression crept its claws into my life. I had a sponser in AA who told me if i took antidepressants i would miss the miracle of recovery…so instead of using medication like i should have and dismissed that crazy lady i relapsed on alcohol and pills and i was arrested for meth a month latr and now have been going in and out of the program now for almost 20 years yay! So the problem now is i fear that depression its returned many times over the years with a serious suicide attempt. So i feel like now im miserable loaded but im not depressed, and when i get sober im depressed and unhappy but im not loaded> I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Inevitably doomed to live a life fighting with myself and never findind a solution. And dont even get me started on God, im christian but really no longer have any faith in my higher power, why wouldnt he help me out of this hell. Its as if my prayers and crys go completely unheard. Its sad. Ive always been a good person, most of us are. But what a waste of a life! 🙁 But i keep trying because i have hope to one day enjoy soberieghty again, and my 3 year old boy who needs his mommy.

  • Sober 5 years. Ran the steps. Nothing got “easier” or “better” until I dealt with my genetic anxiety and delression. Try vitamins, yoga, meditation first. If that doesn’t help get on zoloft or lexapro or whatever your shrink recommends. Living sober and running the steps won’t bring balance if you have an unbalanced genetic chemical imbalance.

  • Chris cam

    10 years ago

    thank you for sharing about this. I’m sober 6 years 5months and Im going through the same thing. You said it action program!!! i need to get busy in action. Thank you. god bless you.

  • Been clean & sober for nearly 6 yrs now, but the depression & anxiety still come up. It’s def a programme of action, a combination of exercise, keeping busy, meetings, sponsor, others to talk to. New hobbies, help from your GP, helping others is a must, taking you out of yourself! Meditation & prayer a great help. Like all things in life, it does pass but action is required, not always easy – but keep on trying, you will find the tools of coping & moving forward. God bless x

  • Jennifer Ross

    10 years ago

    I have been in recovery for 3 years 5 months. It is so reassuring to know I am not the only one who has felt like this. I recently got so depressed that I thought about taking my own life. Thankfully, my sponsor and other friends in recovery got me to seek help. There is now a light at the end of the tunnel. Feeling my emotions again without numbing them is a hard road to travel.

  • This really helped thank you. I had never considered self worth so that really got me thinking.

  • I have been in recovery for 7 months and depression is hitting me hard. I do attent 3 meetings and do community service and take a class for my po. Plus I work 40 hours a week, i try to keep my self busy but in my down time I get depressed. Good to know that other people are out there that feel the same as me
    Thank you for sharing

  • thank you for this. I’m hitting a year sober next week and I keep hearing how the depression and anxiety melts away. Mine has not. The alcohol was only a symptom of these for me, and while yes I am definitely an alcoholic, I can deal with that much better than the other two. I know how to make myself get out of the depression but sometimes it is so hard to get out of the bed and do those things. I try and meditate and my brain just spins with anxieties. I’m still going at it because I hear it gets better and nothing else has worked and AA has been the best thing I’ve done. I’m just hoping with patience I can also surrender these feelings as well and my HP will take them as well. God bless you.

  • Josie Schuster

    9 years ago

    Depression and addiction seem to go hand in hand…it’s almost like the age old question, “which came first, the chicken or the egg?”. Were we depressed first and started using to numb these horrible feelings or did we become depressed after our poor choices and shame lurking over us. It is a conundrum! I read an article once that has helped me and my 4 1/2 years sober…it was an interview with Demi Levato and she was talking openly about her bipolar disorder and mental illness and mental health. She said that the days she feels her best she has to meditate, take medication, work out, eat healthy, be honest, and have compassion with herself as she is human. That’s a lot of work!
    Thank you for your article. It was well said and well written. 🙂

  • grace rendon

    8 years ago

    thanks a lot. made me understand myself better. am not addict.but felt and experience same as you posted…
    sincerely. thank you. i’d be much better tomorrow.

  • Nicely written and relates to my story of hopelessness 100%. I used to tackle anything head on when I drank and used my beer as sort of a reward for a job well done.
    Now, after 9 months of cold turkey sobriety, I require a fire under my ass to get anything accomplished. I sure hope I snap out of this doom and gloom soon before something like a relapse happens.
    I meet with my private counsellor after the Holiday’s with hope of getting some advise. She had mentioned PAWS in our past settings, and now feel she hit the nail on the head.
    Happy 2017 everyone!! ~Jim

  • I’m 5 1/2 years sober and have been battling depression for the past 6 months. Just when I think I know why and how to fix it, it comes back. I fear depression which makes it worse. I have been admitted to inpatient psych twice, which helped temporarily. It makes it really hard to get work done. My sponsor and others said I will not be able to figure it out and that God has to do it. I guess I will just keep trying.

  • Hello, I’ve been sober for over a year now and completed a long term treatment program in August 2017. I’ve been peer mentoring for 4 months now and still living in the house. But for the past few months I’ve been really depressed and not motivated like I use to be when I went through the program. Just looking for some advice. Thank you

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