Jul 21, 2015 | By Tim Stoddart
4 Tips To Keep You Sane When Your Loved One Won’t Stop Drinking
Alcoholism
They are my worst memories.
They are the one’s that are embedded in my mind so vividly, that I can still remember what we were wearing and what was said. All of the moments I wish I could forget have one thing in common.
The common denominator is that someone I love couldn’t stop drinking. Watching someone slowly destroy themselves is like some kind of Greek tragedy, where all the potential and love and beauty in that person slowly subsides into a pit of hubris and shame.
They say it’s a family disease, and I get that. It doesn’t heal the wounds any faster. I have had to watch loved ones crash and burn so many times, and I have learned a lot from these experiences.
I remember when I was the guy who couldn’t stop. I remember when I was guy who was 20 pounds underweight and strung out. I remember what it was like when someone wanted to help me and all I could think to do was tell them to fuck off.
I don’t judge active addicts, no matter how far down they have fallen. I know that there is always a way back. I can only speak from my own experience, but I hope it may help someone who is watching someone they love fight these monsters.
1 – It’s Not Personal
It feels personal, but it’s not.
It feels personal because of all the quiet and heartfelt conversations we have had with our loved ones, where they promise you that “this is the last time.” They really mean it and you tell them that you are there for them. You tell them that they need to reach out to you if they need help.
They always say they will, but it seems like the phone calls only come after they have already picked up the drink.
I assure you, they are not doing it to punish you. They are not drinking or getting high to prove a point, they are doing it because they don’t understand themselves and it is the only way they know to stop whatever discomfort they are experiencing.
Resenting a drug addict for doing drugs will only cause you pain. Yes, everyone is responsible for their own actions but you can’t allow your loved ones addiction to ruin the both of you.
It’s easy to say but very difficult to do, but you can’t take someone else’s drug use personally. It is not about you, it is about them.
RELATED: The Effects Addiction Has On The Family
2 – You Can’t Save Anyone
Addiction knows no knight in shining armour.
If you think that somehow you can swoop in and solve a loved one’s problems for them and magically their drug habits will disappear, well you are in for a tough lesson.
Don’t get me wrong, we must help each other. I am by no means telling you to cut people off and stand watch while someone drinks themselves to death. No no no… I am simply saying that if someone you love is in the ring with an addiction, the only way for them to get sober is to do some real hard and honest work on themselves. They must solve their own addiction problem, from the inside out.
Go to therapy with them, bring them to meetings, maybe help them with some groceries or whatever… but you can not save someone that doesn’t want to be saved.
It sucks. It really really sucks. Especially when you are someone that has gotten sober yourself. You know what it takes, you see this person you love going through so much pain and you just want to help them and for them to be happy.
But they have to do it themselves. This is just the way it is and no amount of heroism or rescue efforts will change that.
3 – No One Owes You Anything
I get sad when I see this happen, I have done it myself. It is completely un nessesary.
If you decide to go out of your way to help someone, please don’t expect to get anything in return.
For one, if you are going to help someone, the reason should never be out of self interest. It’s bad energy and you will only be left disapointed.
Most importantly, don’t forget that the point is to help this person. The point is for them to find recovery and enjoy the life of freedom that we all desire for them. If someone gets sober, the worst thing you could do is to hold your actions over that person’s head. Using someone’s guilt or shame against them is flat out wrong.
I get it, there is a balance. Sometimes debt’s have to be repaid and if someone you love gets sober, that person needs to start pulling their own weight. They need to step up and participate in life and in relationships.
But to say “you owe me” is ridiculous and cruel.
No one owes you shit, the reward of seeing your loved one sober and happy should be the reward itself and to put expectations on someone’s sobriety is only going to hurt everyone involved.
Just trust me on this one guys.
4 – There Is Always Hope
It’s not all death and destruction. People do get better and sobriety and happiness are both entirely achieveable.
No matter what happens, no matter how betrayed you feel or how angry you become, there is always hope for someone battling addiction.
I have seen the worst of the worst. People who would do the worst kinds of things and tell the worst kinds of lies in order to get their fix, but many of them are sober today and are wonderful beautiful people.
Seriously… There Is Always Hope!!
I am an upfront blunt guy. Many times I get told that I should be more sensitive to people and their feelings and there is probably some truth to that. But let’s be real, drug addicts can be fucking assholes.
They will lie right to your face, they will steal your money, they will break your heart and then somehow make you feel guilty about it. It doesn’t mean that you should give up on them. It just means that this person is sick and doesn’t know how to get better.
No matter what happens, don’t ever lose hope. Is there a chance that your loved one may never get sober and will continue to let you down? Yes… there is always that chance.
But there is also the chance that the botton they need is right around the corner. There is a chance that one day your beautiful son or daughter or wife or boyfriend or mom will be willing to be truthful with themselves, and that will be the first little window into a life that they can have.
Never give up. Never lose hope. People do get better.
Anonymous
9 years ago
I appreciate this article; miraculously what I needed to read today. I have done so much reading trying to understand the addict in my life, although, nothing ever really seems to address how to understand. I still feel personally attacked with each time my addict uses/slips. They call it insanity. They say they don’t want to use, then…boom…they use. I feel if a person doesn’t want to do something they won’t. Every time I hear “sorry” I think yeah right, if you were sorry you would stop. This demon is uncontrollable and I’ve decided to keep my own sanity I will stop trying to understand. I’ve done everything I can think of. I’ve accepted it is out of my control. All I can control is myself and my own reactions. My choices are stay and love them despite these demons or leave and never look back/remove myself from the situation, which also solves nothing. You still love the person. I love them sober. If only they could see. That’s where the insanity comes in, they do see and can’t stop. And I can’t make them. I pray for God’s help. How do you make the cravings stop? I’ve tried walking through those, think of something else, let’s do something else…nothing works. I can’t stop it. I try to say nothing and hold my emotions in and that’s just as damaging. Nothing in life has been as difficult to get through as this. No one knows what it’s like from this side. My heart breaks. In the good days I try to pretend nothing happened as to not trigger a relapse or spend a good sober day fighting.
selbie shane
9 years ago
My biggest fear is that their bottom will not be one that they can overcome. There has been so many chances and opportunities, and each one squandered away. It’s been one of the hardest things I have ever had to witness in my life. And absolutely nothing I do, or don’t do changes anything. I too am recovering so I know exactly what it is like in her shoes, and what it’s going to take. I have never been on this side of things before though. I almost feel like it’s karma for what I put my loved ones through in my past. I honestly had no idea, and if i did, I guess I didn’t care. It’s the worst feeling I have ever known, loving someone so much, And knowing this relationship has more potential then any relationship I have ever been in. And having to watch her drink it all away. And self sabotage everything. As if nothing else mattered. I am fighting cancer and I don’t think she cares how the stress of all of this affects me and my health. She says she cares, but her actions always say something else. And when she drinks, it is like I am the reason for all of her problems. Until it all comes crashing down and she is crying on the bathroom floor begging for forgiveness and trying to overcome the guilt and self hatred. Such a vicious cycle. Such an insane cycle. And all we can do is be there, and hope, and wait. This sucks.
Betsey
9 years ago
I am also on your side of the disease…yes it’s a disease so unfortunately they can’t just stop without ongoing treatment for their disease…thank God I found an amazing program full of people that are on this end of the ugly disease that all understand & are loving & supportive. It’s called Al-Anon & getting to those meeting rooms has helped me regain my own sanity, peace & serenity. There are meetings world wide. Wait for the miracle!
JustMe
8 years ago
I wish I could go to Al-Anon meetings, but when your alcoholic husband denies being an alcoholic, how do you manage it without lying about it?
Rhonda
9 years ago
Good words. My spouse is struggling with alcohol and pain meds. 8 rehabs over 15 years, church family help and me very supportive. His addiction is hurting my health and mental ability. He is sober for a bit then slips into hell. When do say enough? I am tired and find myself wanting to divorce a man I have been with for 27 years. I just don’t know what to do.
Betsey
9 years ago
Al-Anon can help! Like the author said don’t give up hope!
Karen
8 years ago
I live with my sister, & I am 2yrs clean. This is not my first clean time, but hopefully itvwill be my last. I have a nephew that comes around when he want to wash clothes, eat rest etc & everytime he comes around I get a very sick feeling inside. I love him & I know him cause was him. It upsets me that my sister allows him in the house & she said she will never change that. I have been praying for My God to show me how to love him & what to do.
Lisa
8 years ago
Thank you
Jason
8 years ago
“No one owes you shit, the reward of seeing your loved one sober and happy should be the reward itself and to put expectations on someone’s sobriety is only going to hurt everyone involved.”
That’s right… For me and from my side of the street, it’s all a wash. I had to come to that conclusion in my own mind in order to stay sober…and it wasn’t easy for me to do that, and it took a long time. For the other person though, said person always has the option of whether or not to be a part of my life going forward. I said what I said, and I did what I did. Period. There is no need for people, who perceive themselves as being victims of my drunken escapades, to re-hash them. After all, I do not have the luxury; therefore, why should they…and at my expense too? 🙂 Still, when there are times I meet up with someone from my past, and said person told me I wronged him or her some time ago, but I did not remember doing so; under that circumstance, I simply apologize for my part while acknowledging his or her thoughts and feelings on the incident. That’s all I can do… I would have never done that were I still be drinking. Since doing that while in recovery? So far, so good… 🙂
I quit drinking almost 18 months ago on physician assistant orders. The first 3 months after I quit drinking was among the most difficult time periods of my entire life. In my opinion, it’s not appropriate for me to go into detail about all I experienced during physical and mental detoxification…but it was a whole lot. As such, being sober…as it relates to other people in my life going forward…is enough. If me being sober is not good enough, or satisfactory, in another person’s opinion…regardless of relation or lack thereof…then I am not to associate with said person going forward. After all, my sobriety comes first, because everything in my own life flows from that…and I mean everything. I am enough just the way that I am, regardless of someone else’s, a group’s, or society’s opinion of me…and I love myself today.
Lou Anna
8 years ago
I treat addicts and their families IF I can get the members to come in. I long to tell them these things and I know why. I live with an alcoholic. He had stopped the harder drugs but alcohol seems to be kicking his butt. My heart breaks. I thank you for the article and the hope. I will share it with my patients.
Michele
8 years ago
Congratulations on your sobriety…, I’m coming from ” the other side ” umm … Brief seniariol.. My boyfriend of 7 years great guy during the day , drinking starts and then the abusive behavior starts . I’ve learned over time no to engage however now I’ve learned that I can only control what I choose to do so I’m torn , if I decide to leave and just go home once the drinking and the buligrince begin I just want to say nicely that I’m going home and leave but my fear is that if I do so then the following day he will just tell me to fuck off or just will not talk to me anymore… I don’t want the relationship to end , I don’t ever bring shit up that happened the night before , like I’ve said its a very disease for both sides and I’m really torn this time cause I understand but I don’t want to deal
w the mental abuse anymore… I don’t want to give up on him either…, very sad , please share your thoughts … Thank you !!
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