Jul 28, 2015 | By Tim Stoddart

3 Reasons I Miss Being A Drug Addict

Personal Addiction Recovery Stories

miss about drugs

Let’s get real for a second.

We all love to drink. If we didn’t love it, we wouldn’t do it. No matter how much I hate OxyContin, there is a part of me that will always love it.

I had no idea what I was in for…

It was a normal Saturday night. I was 19 years old. I was hanging out at a friends house who lived on 16th and Jefferson in North Philadelphia. We will call my friend Stan. Stan and I were going to a club that always served under age kids. We would share some joints and a few drinks and a lot of laughs.

This night was different. This night four strangers were waiting outside for us.

The story goes that Stan had burned these strangers for a few hundred bucks in a weed deal. I didn’t know anything about this. We had a great time at the club and decided to call it a night. We walked outside the bar and immediately shit hit the fan.

I don’t remember much. Well, I remember all of it but it all happened so fast it is more like a blur. I remember Stan getting jumped. I remember running over and hitting a kid with my skateboard. I remember getting tackled from behind and feeling a kick in my ribs that dropped me and put me in the fetal position. I remember clawing my way up and headbutting someone and the hands fell off of me. Then I remember running.

When my adrenaline slowed down I could feel a burning above my eyebrow and could hear a whistling out of my chest. I got 17 stitches through my eyebrow and the kick had cracked my ribs. I was fine, but I walked out of the ER early that morning with a prescription to Percocet. I had found what I was looking for.

Quickly one Percocet turned into five. Five turned into twenty and eventually I graduated to OxyContin. My love affair with Oxy was one sided. I gave it all I had and it took without forgiveness or compassion. It’s funny because I can honestly say that I enjoyed much of our unhealthy obsessive relationship. There are parts that I miss.

RELATED: What I Learned From OxyContin – A Story Of Freedom

I Miss The Invincibility

It didn’t take long for the addiction to take control. I had always dabbled and experimented with drugs, but this was different. This was superhuman.

I spent most of my teenage years in an awkward existence. I was unsure of myself. I spent a lot of my time skateboarding alone, writing in my journal and reading graphic novels. Once I graduated from Percocets to OxyContin my confidence shot out of control.

Some people say that opiates made them drowsy, not me. Oxy jacked me up. I could think more clearly, speak with more articulation, and could deliver jokes that I knew would get laughs. Nothing could touch me.

Oxy gave me the confidence to be the person I saw in movies, the guy that could hold people’s attention and could walk up to strangers and could be arrogant and charming at the same time. I could talk to girls, I could work longer hours and make more money. I really felt like I was privy to some secret, some cloak of invincibility. Truth is, I have never been the same since.

I miss feeling unapologetically and outrageously invincible.

I Miss The Euphoria

When you’re a drug addict, you are due for some rough mornings.

You know when you wake up from an amazing dream, and you instantly try to go back to sleep and pick up where you left off? Well that’s what the mornings feel like. Every morning.

Your first thought isn’t of a peaceful morning with morning dew and coffee. It’s panic. Rarely did I save any drugs for the next day, so by 6:30 AM you could bet I was on the grind.

The moment I would get the drugs in my hand, I knew that everything was going to be okay. For at least the next couple hours, I didn’t have to feel pain.

The strange thing is, that moment of euphoria makes it all worth it. There is a ritual involved. Every drug user has a ritual. For me, I would carefully scrape the green coating off. Next I would sit at my desk with a round paperweight and crush the pills into a fine powder. Next I would grab a hallowed out BIC pen that I cut in half, put it to my nose, line it up and BOOM!

Instant Euphoria!!!!

Just imagine, every problem you have dissolves away. All your doubts, insecurities, family problems, money problems, fears and mistakes no longer matter. All that matters is this moment. Right here and right now, I am a God. I am the king of my little bubble, and I can do anything I set my mind to.

I miss feeling like nothing mattered. I miss the euphoria.

RELATED: Tim’s Story

I Miss The Excitement

It’s why I won’t get a motorcycle. Things that can kill me generally excite me.

When I was younger, I always bought skateboards with big wheels and fast bearings. I would skate as fast as I could down the middle of Broad street, cars whizzing by me in both directions. I would find the highest parking garage and skate down as fast as I could. I would look for fights and I still drive my car too fast.

Drugs perpetuate this insanity. If you combine opiates, cocaine, Adderall and alcohol you can pretty much go nonstop for four or five days. I loved it. I loved waking up with bruises and running from police and noise and commotion. I loved jumping into mosh pits, I loved 4-day rages in Atlantic City, I loved going fast.

The human body isn’t designed to sustain this. We work best at a level of homeostasis. There is a natural balance in all things, but OxyContin tipped the scale. I could go faster for longer and it didn’t matter what the consequences were.

I miss being able to push my limits in the way I could when I was a drug addict. I was underweight, always dehydrated and generally malnourished, but it didn’t matter. The drugs had me convinced that I was stronger than the rest.

I miss feeling like the world was a playground.

So Then Why Do I Stay Sober??

I stay sober because I know it wasn’t real.

It was all a fantasy. I was simply tumbling down the rabbit hole. I stay sober because sobriety is and always will be my greatest achievement of my life. These days I understand my drug use. I know that really, I was looking to the answer to a question I didn’t understand.

When I was getting high, I would go for walks with my dog at night and look at the stars and just be completely baffled and confused as to the reasoning of my existence. I don’t do that anymore. Now, when I look at the night sky, I feel a sense of belonging and a feeling of inner peace that I thought only belonged to a privileged few.

I don’t wake up in a panic. Instead I wake up with a feeling of calm. I feel well rested, ready to start my day. I feel a purpose behind my actions. I feel as though my life has meaning and that I am connected to all the people in this world, whom at one point I felt so separated from.

I don’t feel invincible but I don’t feel weak. I don’t feel excited all the time, but I am not bored either. I don’t feel euphoric but I don’t feel hopeless. I feel content. I feel at peace with my past and excited for the future.

The truth is, this is the life I was always searching for. This is the enlightenment that I thought only existed in a false reality. I get it now.

I understand that life is a journey. I understand that my fears are all lies, and that with patience I can do anything I want with my life.

I stay sober because I am completely free. Nothing holds me back, and it feels great.

54 responses to “3 Reasons I Miss Being A Drug Addict

  • I sometimes wonder if I stopped smoking would I be as happy. I feel panicked when I think if not having that “feel good” drug. And then I think, would I be as happy if I didn’t have it? Will I be happy? It’s a scary thing. More power to you

    • I was a heroin addict for 13 years and marijuana is what saved my life well that and alot of hard work facing things i didnt want to face but seems your using weed as a crutch to life which it is not forreal you should smoke because you want to not because you feel you have to weed can be a beautiful tool to fight addiction i just wosh people would listen

      • Hello I am in a methadone clinic and have been for two years now I have counseling twice a month and also see a Dr once every 60 days to make sure I am doing OK they take my blood to test once a year and I drop for them twice a month th so they can test my levels of methadone in my system and to make sure I don’t use other drugs. This of course is more frequent when you first start the clinic as I have been going for two years. I have to say its the best choice I have made in my life. I was a hroin addict and opioid anything I could get my hands on to melt down I was an IV user for 11 years. I have started coming down on my dose I have never dropped dirty one time and always go to my councling I want to be clean and sober I one problem I am having is that me being at the clinic is me not being clean. I understand I may not like some thing I might hear and that’s OK I just want to know what others feel about. Methadone maintenance and or suboxone

        • I was on methadone for three years, then I had enough. I walked of 130 mgs. A day. I went through 4 months of hell. This may offend some. Methadone is not by any means being clean, it still gives you that ” High”. In fact I was higher on methadone then I ever was on heroin. Everytime you use there’s a price your paying. Methadone stops you from paying that price. It was time for me to man up and just stop. Going through withdrawl was the best thing I ever did. I’ll never go back. Going to the clinic everyday was the same thing as going to my dealer. And I left with the same high. I couldn’t go on vacation or leave where I was living because I had to go to the ” clinic” everyday. It was a HORRIBLE existence. People call it liquid handcuffs, that’s exactly what it is. And you don’t need meetings everyday. Well I don’t, thats just reduclious to me. Sitting in a room with a bunch of addicts talking about how helpess I was and how powerful drugs are, just give them more power over me. I put it all in my past and got on with my life. It’s been almost three years. Again this is just my opinion.

        • Hi I have been on methadone for 5 years. I was addicted to oxycontin as well as cocaine. I just recently came down on my methadone to 10mg and switched to suboxine…4mg and now am down to 2mg. I feel like I am not sober but am clean if that makes sense I still need the suboxine to get through each day but am getting closer every day to a fully clean and sober life…keep working on your recovery..you’re not abusing anything. I have never been on a high rnpugh dose to be “high” unlike the other commenter…130mg is too much. I love in Canada so not sure how methadone works other places but as long as you are clean and sober you dont have to go to the clinic everyday you gain trust and bring your methadone or suboxine home with you for the week. My advise is you do what you feel works for you and your recovery

    • I’m very new to this not using, Day 9, Alcoholic & Cigs. Still using cigs&coffee as a crutch. Giving myself to day 30 then them smokes are leaving too. Already bought the green tea. I’ll have to quit the coffee too but not overly concerned, happen to love green tea. I may have to have a major surgery in the future & I’m worried about pain meds now. I never got into drugs but I now know that I’m just a general addict that has used but alcohol. I will talk about with the Doc but if anyone has suggestions I’m listening.

  • My son died of a heroine overdose just 6 months ago. He dabbled in everything. I knew he was insecure, but aren’t we all. I did not know how to help him, and he did not want my help. I feel so lost now. So alone. I miss him but I don’t. His drama is gone, but so is he. Forever is a very long time. My hope for him is gone now too. It is so sad.

    • Lisa J. Taylor

      9 years ago

      My heart goes out to you Annette. My son is also a heroine addict. You are living my worst nightmare. Do you have any advice for me to help my son?

      • I’m a heroin addict sober 5 months. My best friend is on life support from an OD. Hopefully find out today if there IS brain activity. I thought I’d die with heroin, the love of my life at the time but here I am. I’m living proof that we can get sober it takes a lot of work, you can’t help the addict, they have to want to help themselves and if they don’t go to meetings for the rest of their life, get a sponsor and work the steps, they might as well not even try.

        • I completely disagree..I’ve been sober for over three years from heroin and benzos.. The first year I attended meeting almost everyday..I needed them..I haven’t been to one in almost a year..the reason..I filled my life with positive things..its sad to look at ppl who do nothing but go to meetings all there life..they are just as stuck as they were with the drug..trading one addiction for another..if u use the steps u shouldn’t need to go to meeting forever

          • I am a mother. My 22 yr old son is a H addict since he was 18. We have been through many stages of addiction, recovery, rehab, therapy, family therapy, couple therapy, 12 steps, every single thing possible to help him.
            Finally he has decided to reach out to NA for support. Got a sponsor and started to go to meetings.
            Whatever it takes to stop the cycle is a blessing. One day at a time or one minute at a time. It doesn’t matter. But you need to feel belonged, attached and find support when dark times come. Being on an island all alone in darkness is recipe for relapse and disaster.

          • Christine

            8 years ago

            Clean off heroin for five years by the grace of Jesus Christ alone. Meetings didn’t help, detox, rehab, 12 steps – none of it. I am in counseling, just once a month now, and take the RIGHT combo of meds for my mental health problems issues (which most of us addicts have – it IS a disease). I’m not some wacko Christian, but I’m telling you Jesus saved me. He took the desire to use heroin away. It’s gone completely. Praise God. My therapist told me out of the over 3000 addicts she’s worked with TWO have stayed clean. God is the answer.

          • Don’t feel sad for those who go to meetings. My life couldn’t be more full and it still includes 3-4 meetings a week. I learn from those who still make meetings after 42 years. Their lives are also full with a peace and contentment that I seek everyday.
            And after 3 years I am there for the person who comes in with a couple days clean to guide them through the program the same way I am guided.
            It is a beautiful part of my life. An hour of hope, miracles, and truth.
            Where else can you go to witness blind men who can now see, deaf men who can now hear, and watch the dead come back to life?

        • Your comment is completely biased and absurd!! I am a heroin addict who has been in & out of the NA/AA program and I can 100% say “If you dont go to meetings, & get sponsor, and work the steps …you might as well not try” Is the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard!!! I have been sober 5 YEARS!! and this is after many failed attempts going to meetings, and working steps….IT WASNT UNTIL I DECIDED I WAS DONE and only me alone that I quit & have been successful in maintaining my sobriety ever since!!! No meeting, program, steps, sponsor did that for me, I DID IT BY & FOR MYSELF!! you my friend have a very distorted view and I can only pray one day you realize no one else is responsible for your sobriety but yourself!! Not kid, family, friends, etc…..only YOU hold that power & I’m DAMN proud to say “I DO!”

          • CyndiD

            8 years ago

            I’ve been clean for 17 years with zero relapses and haven’t even been to a meeting or had a sponsor. It’s something inside you that has to make the choice to end it or not. Meetings are great advice and support but it’s ultimately solely up to the person.

          • God bless you I just wish my son would feel that way. I am so afraid for him and pray some day he will get the courage you have.

      • Try getting involved with an al. Anon group they teach you how to deal with an addicted individual and give support

    • I am clean and sober now. I was addicted from the time I was 16. I too dabbled with everything until even that was not enough. I am truly truly sorry for your loss! Your pain as a mother will last longer than any of us can imagine. Know I will keep you in my prayers and will be thinking of you. I hope you find some peace in this strangers words.

    • Annette, I am soo sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine losing someone as close as my own kin. I did lose a close friend to heroine, at which point I was also a user. I always thought that because I snorted it and never shot it into my veins, that I wasn’t as bad as the rest. There are two things you can take away from what I’m going to tell you, both of which I pray you don’t take offense to, it’s simply an explanation of how your son probably felt during his early passing. I know the euphoric bliss that is felt by addicts of heroin, it’s a self invincible cure all. So, here it goes … One, your son felt NO pain during his passing, this I can promise you. Infact, as harsh as this may sound, gently falling asleep while your body doesn’t know how to handle a euphoric overdose is honestly one of the best ways you as a human can hope for. Second, no matter how things ended between the two of you, forget about it. Drugs have a hold over every addict. It will sometimes push people to do whatever has to be done to the people that are closest to them, the people that are most easily trusted and relied upon. So whatever happened with him in pursuent to avoid withdrawals, can’t be helped. Just know he loved you and that no addict ever really wants help. Im very sorry again for your loss but I hope hearing from an ex heroin user and a son of a mother who also tried non stop when I didn’t want her to, helps you deal just a fraction better.

    • so so sorry for your loss, I am so afraid for my son because of his alcohol addiction. I just pray every day.
      Prayers for you I cant imagine what it is like to loose a son.

    • Annette,

      So very sorry for your loss. I too have lost a son indirectly to heroin addiction as his accused murderer is a heroin addict who apparently was out of drugs and out of money and went out to rob someone. Saw my son walking home alone from a party and beat him and left him to die in single digit temperatures in a back yard. I feel pain for your loss as well. I will pray for God’s peace to descend upon you and hope that you have a community who supports you in your loss.

  • Thanks for the read. The other night I was trying to explain to a friend of mine some things that I miss by being an active addict. He seemed baffled by it, but it’s true. There are just some things that I enjoyed while being a strung out mess. Things to look forward to. But then there is the bad side. Which most definitely outweighs the good. Thanks again for the read, the ending kind of brought me back and reminded me why I stay sober.

  • Thanks for your share. I agree that I do miss each of those things but I too believe that they were not real. I’m grateful for my life today, it’s not as exciting as it used to be but I no longer feel hopeless.

    • I totally agree. Not as “fun” sometimes. But now in my sobriety I’m realizing that wasn’t fun. Thanks

  • I miss those things too. You described my experiences, thoughts, and feelings almost exactly. Different drug, but otherwise the same life, before and after active addiction. …though I’m still waiting for the enlightenment, and the excitement for the future. I really struggle to find hope and manage my severe depression. Often I really believe things were better when I was that invincible, confident, and exciting guy. Thank you for the great share to remind us why we’re staying clean. I do hope that we all get to the peaceful place you have found.

  • Well said! We don’t need the fake highs and lows because when you are comfortable with who you are, where you are, you don’t need to change how you feel. Well written article. Thanks for sharing.

  • The problem is that although I am clean, I still have trouble with my rabbit hole, I have a place that I can go to in my mind that keeps the fear and the pain inside, and I know it isnt healthy, and I know I fall deeper into my depression each time I go there, and I know I am inches away from the edge of my sobriety and I dont know how to claw back. I feel utterly lost and alone and hopeless.

    • Claire…do you have a support system? A sponsor or anyone else in your life that can relate? They say you start relapsing before you actually use, in your mind. Reach out to someone and get out of your own head, it’s not easy I know but if you really want to stay sober and pretty much if you want to stay alive even just a little bit you have to reach out! Hope you do!

  • This is a great read. This is my story give or take a few different drugs and much more drinking. I appreciate you sharing this so much because it is easy to glorify the old days of using and forget why I am sober and how amazing my life is today because I made that change!!!

  • I thought I was alone in this feeling of.. appreciation? I am a recovering heroin addict with a better life than I ever had before drugs. It was a very humbling experience. I will always be grateful for what I learned throughout all those years, yet determined to never return to that desperate place.

  • Thanks for sharing!

    My daughter’s story is much the same and happened just a few miles to the south of you in Wilmington, DE.

    Wisdom teeth pulled; Percocet prescription — took just one and she l-i-k-e-d it. Percocet to Oxy (oral then on to snort) to Opana (snort) until her money ran short then on to heroin (snort then on to IV). I have heard the same story of progression many times in various Nar-Anon meetings.

    Now she is in good recovery at 18 months clean, has a sponsor, has several sponsees herself, is working in a south Florida detox facility and loves her job.

    One day at a time,
    Jim

  • Meditation can give you the best of both worlds. It’ll help you consciously strip yourself of fears and negative emotions you’ve unconsciously built around yourself over the years and life starts taking on a magical quality in many different ways. With drugs, it does it for you to a lesser degree, instantly, but it’s temporary and deepens negative aspects of your being as well.

  • I know all to well what drugs can do i was an addict for almost 20yrs i had to lose everything kids family husband and then my freedom. I have been sober now for going on 7mo. It is most definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done but i am a fighter and i will never give up. Good luck to everyone struggling u will get it….promise

    • Kristen, How long did it take you after you quit to feel “normal”? Some have said to me that even after a year you still have withdrawals..im so scared to try .. and im on methadone.

  • I don’t miss a thing about being an addict. I lost everything before I could recognize what was going on. It was my fault and indulging in the nostalgia of living life loaded opens the door to relapse. I don’t deny it was fun and enjoyable but what separates us from monkeys is the ability to control behavior. I’m lucky to not be an OD statistic and I feel so much for those who have experienced tragedy and loss from this terrible disease. You may always enjoy drug use but just as you try not to think about other tragic events in life why entertain the thoughts that anything was good about an addiction

  • I am 10 days clean of Heroin! I am excited to start my sober life but dread the life without drugs!

  • Great article..
    I love to hear about people finally finding their place in the world and having some sense of belonging after a lifetime of being lost…
    I have tried to get clean a number of times.. this time I am coming up on 6 months.. its the most I’ve done.. sponsor/meetings/stepwork+
    BUT STILL I don’t find myself enjoying life.
    My mind tricks me into thinking it was a better way of life that I am telling myself is a lie but I am starting to think maybe I won’t ever feel that sense of belonging.

  • I have worked w/kids/drugs for many years. When you say you have to WANT to get off, you hit one key ingredient to success. There is another one, however,I haven’t seen mentioned. There IS a “hole” in each of you that you are trying to fill.Everyone’s “hole”is caused by something different, but the main thing missing in each is God. HE created each of you w/a unique purpose & a unique need, that NOTHING else can fill! That is because He created each of us because HE wanted a family-similar, but much better than we could ever have on earth. Drugs, alcohol & all other habits that can ruin our lives, were put there by satan, because he hates God & wants to destroy His relationship w/ those He created to love & keep Him from BEING loved.God gave us free choice-otherwise it wouldn’t be “love”. He even gave His only SON to show us how much He loves us & give us a chance to have the relationship w/Him that He created us to have, BUT again, it’s OUR choice. But, accepting His love (& He loves us more than even our parents, spouse, children, even know how to love us)fills that “hole” in our lives & keeps us from needing those “crutches”. He knew we would need crutches, BUT HE wanted to be our “crutch”! Hearing (or reading) His word, Believing His word, Repenting of the things we have done (sin) that hurt both Him, others, & ourselves, confessing that we have sinned & that Jesus is His son, & being baptized INTO Him for the forgiveness of those sins, will give you a BRAND NEW LIFE! THEN “as you have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, SO WALK YOU IN HIM”. COL. 2:6 YOU ALL have my prayers that you will fill that “hole” w/Him & know the peace & happiness He can bring, when you are living according to HIS will, not yours!

    • SelfPower

      8 years ago

      I disagree. Your ‘crutch’ is religion. Do you know how many individuals I’ve known on drugs who believe up and down in god’s ‘healing power’ and his ‘eternal vision’ for them?

      No. No drugs, or alcohol, or literally anything was put here by god. Alcohol and drugs are manufactured by people. People who have a desire for money. That’s all. If someone utilizes the concept of religion to get clean, I support it.

      But saying that religion is the missing link to recovery addiction? That’s as dangerous as the drugs they currently use.

    • That is one of the most reduclious statements I’ve ever heard. To say Jesus is the only one who can save you, is like saying: superman can save you from your drug use. It’s so frustrating when people use Jesus as a cure all.

  • Energy work helps you to feel content and blissful. When I work with people who are recovering they are always surprised at how peaceful, content, and happy they feel. Their mind is calm, their heart is full of love and acceptance. And they always ask me, why don’t people know about this, why isn’t this out there for an option for people who struggle. Just Google Reiki or Healing Touch in your area.

  • I am a wife to a hopefully recovered oxy addict and a sister to a heroin addict who is currently in rehab AGAIN! I also grew up in a crack house around more than most kids are exposed to. I never give up hope but I choose to turn to God and with him I am not alone. I have given alot and lost alot do to these curcumstances. I choose to keep going but anything is possible if you or your addict is still living. I wish anyone who is in my shoes and or is a user the very best. Hope is NOT dead.

  • Cody Joseph Singleton

    8 years ago

    So far, my most favored read on this subject. You hit the nail on the head, brother. So very well written, love you man, keep striving for better.<3

  • incredibly beautifully put. thank you for putting my feelings into words.

  • This was an amazing article. Everything you wrote was so true it brought me to tears. Thank you for being so honest and open:
    (I’ve been clean 1 year and 2 months)

  • Great article, man I completely agree with everything. I did opiates for 10 years, the first 5 years it was mostly oxycontin, the second 5 years mostly heroin, all insufflated, thankfully I never graduated to the needle though I came close once. I haven’t done heroin for 2 years now and it feels amazing, but lately I must admit I have been missing it quite a lot, for some reason I miss heroin/oxycontin in winter the most, I had a lot of my best times during winter when I was using opiates and I find I am very nostalgic about those times. I now work out everyday, eat healthy, quit smoking, basically I am now a very health conscious person aside from enjoying a few beers (which thankfully I don’t have a problem with), and although the excitement is clearly not as great as it was when scoring opiates, I also generally feel so much better about life, I don’t feel the guilt anymore of only caring about getting high, I actually care about life now instead of running away from life like I did with opiates. I’d grab a couple grams of heroin or a few oc 80s and be a recluse for a few days having the time of my life smoking cigarettes, watching movies, nodding off, and occasionally hanging with my other opiate using friends. It was the only thing I looked forward to, and that is pretty sad when you think about it. Although I know my time is done with opiates and I am going to be drug free the rest of my life, I don’t blame opiates or have any regret or ill feeling towards them. I enjoyed my time with opiates and am thankful I got to quit on my own terms at a relatively young age (30 years old). Thanks so much for the article, it made me feel nostalgic about my opiate period but also made me feel proud for staying clean and realizing that life is so much bigger than a nice rush of euphoria. Honestly after lifting weights/working out for an hour or 2 straight you also seem to get an endorphin rush, which is totally natural and totally healthy unlike opiates which bring you up and then bring you down even lower than you started. Cheers everybody, stay clean, it is truly the greatest gift you could give yourself…theres hope for all of us opiate loving folks…..

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