May 16, 2013 | By Tim Stoddart

“Protecting” Ourselves – 20 Common Defense Mechanisms We Use

Recovery

It’s human instinct to protect ourselves. We often put up defenses in order to shield ourselves from painful realities, especially during active addiction. In recovery, we use defenses, too, when we’re hiding from our true selves or trying to prevent others from getting close to us. We use defenses when we don’t want to face our feelings or the real motivations behind our behavior.

While defenses can help us avoid pain, they do so in an unhealthy way. If we rely on our defenses too often, we distort our reality so much that it becomes dangerous. When the facade comes crashing down or becomes too much to bear, it’s easy relapse.

It’s crucial that we learn to identify our defenses. Most of us rely on one or two main types of defenses. If we can recognize when we’re using them, we can force ourselves to confront our feelings head-on, which helps maintain the emotional sobriety we need to stay clean.

If you aren’t sure what defenses you use, talk to the people in your support system about it. They may be able to name your defenses or call you out when you’re using them. In fellowships like Alcoholics Anonymous, it’s common for members to confront each other in a healthy, supportive way when their defenses are up.

Here are 20 of the most common defenses:

Acting Innocent – Acting naive or sweet to avoid confrontation.

Acting Helpless or Dumb – Asking questions or appearing innocent to avoid responsibility.

Withdrawing – Avoiding confrontations by remaining quiet and avoiding others.

Manipulating – Playing upon others to your own advantage.

Projecting – Accusing someone else of the thoughts and behaviors you want to hide.

Sarcasm – Making bitter remarks to hide your true feelings.

Intimidating Others – Threatening or screaming at others to scare them away.

Silliness – Laughing or joking to cover up your true feelings.

Glaring – Giving dirty looks or staring intently in order to intimidate others.

Minimizing – Glossing over a problem and acting as though it’s not a significant concern.

Denying – Refusing to acknowledge or believe an obvious truth.

Rationalizing – Explaining feelings or behaviors in a way that makes them seem reasonable.

Arrogance – Presenting yourself as better than other people.

Judging Others – Looking down on other people for their thoughts or behaviors.

Seductiveness – Acting flirtatious or alluring to avoid confrontation.

Agreeing Easing – Saying “yes” quickly and complying without objection.

Arguing – Debating and questioning the thoughts or behaviors of others.

Intellectualizing – Giving a sophisticated explanation for things by “using your head,” not heart.

Evading – Changing the subject or talking too much about something unrelated.

Self-Pity – Feeling bad for yourself as though you have no control over things.

When you’re using your defenses, you need to give yourself a reality check. Ask yourself why you’re using a defense and trying to keep others at arm’s length. What feelings are you trying to avoid? Putting down your defenses requires you to take full responsibility for your behavior and your thoughts. You must be willing to make yourself vulnerable in the short-term if you want to stay emotionally healthy in recovery for the long-term.